


Moon Love

by CoinToYourWitcher



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, All song fics all the time, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Astronauts, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben has anxiety, Boot Camp, Clubbing, Cussing, Drill instructor Ben Solo, Drinking, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Sex, F/M, Fantasizing, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Longing, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manhandling, Masterbation, Monophobia, Most of the story takes place during training, Power Imbalance, Prob too much foreboding, Reylo - Freeform, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Vaginal Fingering, Zero-gravity sex, ben is 31, hypersleep, rey is 21, sci fi, space travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:29:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26805142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoinToYourWitcher/pseuds/CoinToYourWitcher
Summary: Rey begins space training at First Order X for a trip to a moon called Erso. She discovers a strange connection to the drill instructor who is secretly haunted by his previous trip to the supermassive black hole—a void, a wormhole, a force of gravity so strong that every astronaut who has been near it has returned with inexplicable changes.Without their connection, neither Rey nor Ben would have passed the physical and psychological tests to qualify for the Erso mission, but the gift that brought them so far may prove more of a curse, if they can’t survive the journey.“Just as the suns, planets, and moons are put in motion by the forces of gravity, so are the smaller systems of bodies set in motion by other forces to be moved in relation to each other and, especially, by the electric force.” - Isaac Newton
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 29
Kudos: 63
Collections: Reylo Hidden Gems, To Rapture the Earth and the Seas: the 2020 Reylo Fanfiction Anthology





	1. Something serendipitous

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter has a song rec ;) Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Romanticized misconceptions  
>  Of this precipitous love  
> That you won’t discuss  
> So the last shred of optimism in me  
> Can only hope we are getting set up  
> For something serendipitous**
> 
> Something Serendipitous by Bleed The Rads
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

[ ](https://ibb.co/X5Lf22G)

_“One out of you four will not survive Hypersleep.”_

Rey couldn’t get Director Snoke’s words out of her head as she pulled off her helmet, colors flooding her vision after the polycarbonate visor’s blue tint. 

The four-person crew crowded into the dressing hall between the cockpit and the Hypersleep chamber. Poe was already out of his space suit, helping extricate her from the stiff Kevlar and cram it into the thin closet. They didn’t need the suits—which acted as mini-spaceships in the event of a malfunction—any longer, since they were safely out of Earth’s atmosphere. 

She felt her elbow touch Ben’s bare skin behind her, maybe his side or back. She knew it wasn’t Poe or Finn because of that familiar electric hum. She and Ben were so attuned to each other now it was almost audible, something created over months. 

She continued, unzipping and shedding her warm flight jumpsuit and putting it in the designated drawer. 

Poe was always the fastest, already down to his boxer briefs, their uniform for the next two years in Hypersleep. Rey stripped down to her sleeveless, white crop top and panties, going ‘bra commando’ in an effort to avoid chafing. She already regretted choosing the crop top over a good, tight, tank top though, now that she was feeling the effects of zero gravity on her clothes.

Holding onto the drawer handle so she wouldn’t drift half-naked into one of them, Rey waited for her turn to go through the circular entrance to the Hypersleep chamber. 

She could still sense Ben behind her, knowing his location at all times without looking. But it would be nice to look at him. 

They hadn’t spoken since his declaration the night before, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn all the way around for no reason—and they couldn’t speak privately with Poe and Finn there. 

Reaching out through their connection, almost absentmindedly by now, she could tell his focus was barely on the mission. Instead his eyes raked her body, as if he hadn’t seen her scantily-clad like this a hundred times in training. He was also worried about her, thinking how small she was, how it was his fault she was here, how she might not survive.

Rey was glad she’d gotten a good reading on him. Usually people were talking or they had work to do, which blocked out the thing between them, but there were a few seconds here and there when she was around him and could access it. Space’s quiet seemed to help amplify it.

Finn got to his sleep pod first. “So, Truth Time, in case I’m the one that doesn't make it—” 

Rey cut him off. “We’re all going to make it,” she said as she passed by him, pulling her way into her pill-shaped pod, upright against the wall, right across from Ben’s. 

Ben’s pod was so much bigger than hers, since he was a foot taller and broad as a doorway. She stole a glance at his body. It was as if he were carved out of heavy marble, yet weightless now. His hair did look a little silly though, wafting around his big ears. She liked that about him, his duality; handsome and goofy, confident and shy.

Ben, as Team Lead, waited to get in his pod, watching as they strapped in to see if any of them had issues. She caught his eyes flickering to her shirt, and quickly strapped down her chest so he wouldn’t reprimand her wardrobe choices.

“Well, just in case,” Finn started again, his voice shaking, “the reason I flunked out of the US Space Program—may she rest in peace—and applied at First Order X was because I threw up in my helmet. I get a nervous stomach, nothing in G-force tests, but the fear of death, sure. And I should warn you, I’m not feeling great about black holes and Hypersleep gas. A little queasy.”

“Truth Time,” Poe said, parroting Finn, looking pale-faced in the pod next to Ben. Finn and Rey smiled as the game continued.

“I‘m gay,” Poe said.

They froze, turning to look at him slowly. 

Rey was stunned. Poe was so rugged. But Finn was gay and he was too, sometimes.

“What?” Finn said blandly, as if waiting for a punchline. 

“No. Really,” Poe said, his shoulders sinking in frustration as he looked around at them all. “I’m gay. I’m out, but then at First Order X it was so, I don’t know, militant at the beginning. I figured it was that sort of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ type of thing. Remember, I was there for a week before Finn arrived and I was the only one. Then I didn’t know how to bring it up after time went by,” Poe said, looking relieved.

“First Order X doesn’t discriminate,” Ben said curtly, always toeing the company line. He was third generation, and, even though he knew it had problems, he was defensive of his home.

“Unless you’re a woman,” Rey added, opening her mouth to delve into the topic of how even Ben’s mother was passed over for missions, when she noticed Finn and Poe staring at each other with sheepish grins. She decided not to sour the moment.

Ben’s eyes met Rey’s. They knew all about nonverbal communication. He turned and climbed into his pod, leaving the glass door open like everyone else. They were all, apparently, too terrified to take the next step and seal their possible coffins.

“Truth Time,” Rey said, after watching Ben strap in, looking just as uncomfortable as the rest of them at the prospect of dying, checking and rechecking his straps. He looked up, perhaps worried she was about to tell Poe and Finn about their—whatever it was. But that wasn’t what was on her mind.

“I’m a virgin,” she blurted out. Rey briefly wondered if she was getting enough oxygen. Why else would she tell them that?

“What?” Finn cried, poking his head out of the pod to look sideways. He laughed, delighted that his game had turned out to be so juicy. 

Ben ceased tugging distractedly at his straps. She could feel his surprise, then anger. He was incredulous that she hadn’t mentioned this before they were strapped in, about to risk their lives, hurtling into the unknown.

“Anything from you, Golden Boy?” Finn asked, directing his question at Ben, the only one yet to dish some secret to the group. 

Rey suspected Ben would bring the conversation back to a professional tone, their duty, standard operating procedure and whatnot, but instead, he ran his hand through his hair and admitted, “Well, I guess I could say I’m single now.”

“Well, duh,” Finn laughed, as Rey’s head jerked up beside him. “I mean, you’re not going to see her unless she comes on the next mission, in what, six years? Or if Erso’s not viable, best case scenario it takes two years to get there, two years back?”

Rey’s heart was pounding, bouncing around in her chest, the sleep pod already monitoring her vitals, so there was a tiny beep giving away her excitement. Not that Ben needed to hear it to know she was happy. Because Ben was single.

“You doing okay, Maps?” Hux asked on her earpiece. Hux was based outside of Coyote Springs in the Nevada desert and was keeping an eye on their vitals. Clearly he’d caught the change in her heartbeat. She’d forgotten he was down there, listening to their whole conversation. 

He heard her ‘21-year-old virgin’ confession.

“I’m just nervous, Hux,” Rey lied under her breath, which seemed to satisfy him. 

“Maybe this will go easier if we all just count down from ten,” Ben suggested, closing his door. 

He was trying to communicate something to her now, but she didn’t know what, too scared when she realized they were all slowly closing their doors with a suctioning ‘pop’. They held their hands up over the button that would initiate their sleep pod, fill the space with gas, and knock them out cold. 

Rey’s hand trembled and she swallowed, looking across at Ben, hoping to derive some comfort from his experience.

“Ten,” Ben said, tilting his head down, still looking at her. That look meant ‘listen in’, but she couldn’t, her thoughts were too chaotic.

“Nine,” they all said together. 

Rey watched, confused, as Ben looked to the side, checking to see if Finn was watching him, before lowering his hand from the button.

“Eight _._ ”

Ben unfastened his chest strap. Why was he doing that? Why was he looking at her like that? She swallowed, too frantic to get a reading.

  
  
“Seven _._ ”

He unfastened his leg strap, discreetly. His movements were almost seductive, as if he was taking off his belt rather than his restraints.

“Six _._ ”

Ben nodded at her, as if he wanted her to do the same.

“Five _._ ”

Did he want to not hit the sleep button?

“Four _._ ”

Her heartbeat monitor beeping like crazy, Rey unfastened her chest strap.

  
  
“Three _._ ” 

Finn’s voice quavered in fear, but his stomach held it together as he stared ahead at Poe who was getting squinty, afraid the gas was going to shoot into his eyes. 

“Two.”

Rey unfastened her leg straps.

“One!” they all cried. 

She heard the gas of Poe and Finn’s pods as her hand hit the open button.

Ben’s pod shot open too, and they launched themselves out.


	2. It’s called freefall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Scratch, kick, let gravity win like  
>  Fuck this, let gravity win like  
> You could leave it all behind  
> Even the devil needs time alone sometimes  
> You could let it all go  
> You could let it all go  
> It's called freefall**
> 
> It’s Called Freefall by Rainbow Kitten Surprise
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

_Seven months earlier..._

Rey clutched her duffel bag tightly to her chest as the bus rattled off the Great Basin Highway, veering down a dirt road into the desert landscape. 

The terrain was so different from England’s lush green, so arid and unforgiving. 

She questioned what she was doing out here as she watched a tumbleweed making progress on the roadside. She had never left England and now she was considering becoming a space explorer?

When she applied for the position with First Order X, she honestly hadn’t expected to hear a response, especially from a senior board member.

Leia Organa-Solo had called to invite her to try for the program—despite her age—interested in her portfolio of virtual maps that delineated climate change’s effect on coastlines. Rey’s work had become rather famous three months ago—once the news agencies picked them up—but until the phone call, she hadn’t realized the geological scientists in America knew her by name.

Leia couldn’t divulge the mission, but clearly it involved uncharted territory. Of the fifty being tested for the program, ten would be cartographers like her, who met the unusual preference of ‘no familial attachments’. 

Rey had no problems there, since she was unmarried, twenty-one years old, and grew up in the Care system, never having known her parents. 

Leia’s online form asked several lifestyle questions of this nature, and she answered honestly, hoping her solitary situation would play to her advantage, although it sounded pretty pathetic on paper.

It seemed strange to send a bus this large to pick up two passengers—just her and an African American gentleman—from the airport thirty minutes ago. She glanced back at him, wondering if they should talk, or if he considered her a rival.

Catching her glance and returning it with an easy smile, he stood up, coming to join her in the seat across the aisle. 

“Hi. I’m Finn. Are you applying for the 2035 mission?” he asked, extending a handshake.

Rey nodded, taking his hand. “I’m Rey. I’m a cartographer, what’s your specialty?”

“The physical security position. Army brat-turned-Marine. But I’m hoping to get off this ticking time bomb of a planet. Tried at NASA first, but now, you know. So, cartographer, that’s interesting. I guess I fight potential aliens off while you make maps of their planet,” he laughed. 

Rey picked up a slight inflection in his tone. Saucier, feminine. His subtle way of letting her know he was gay.

“I hadn’t thought about there being intelligent life,” Rey said, truthfully, not sure if the idea was scary or exciting.

“If there is, let’s hope they treat their planet better than we do ours,” he said, annoyed. At the governments of the world and their failure to invest in clean energy fast enough. 

“And we’re riding in this gas guzzler,” Rey added.

“No, First Order X uses corn syrup or something. Corn syrup or solar,” he said, looking over her shoulder as they approached a chain link fence with a guard on duty, waving them through.

“That’s kind of cool looking,” Finn said, pointing to what appeared to be a massive obstacle course. There was a high platform above a giant net, a wooden pyramid two stories high, and the standard monkey bars, tire hurdles, and the like. 

The bus came to a halt and they squeezed through the folding door with their baggage.

A man with wavy, black hair was standing like a pillar, waiting for them. 

“You two are the last ones. You’ll need to hurry up because physical training starts in half an hour,” the man said, appraising them from his full height.

Rey took in his formidable frame, his wide chest and strong arms in his black T-shirt. He would have been attractive, were he not so stiff and severe-looking.

“Welcome to First Order X,” he said without an ounce of warmness, shaking Finn’s hand first, then hers. 

Rey gave him her firmest handshake—perhaps too firm—as he glanced down at their clasped hands.

“How old are you?” he asked Rey suddenly, letting his hand drop.

“I’m twenty-one,” she said, quickly. 

He frowned. “The age cut off was twenty-five.”

“Leia Organa-Solo called me personally,” Rey said, defensively.

“She called everyone on the list,” Black T-shirt said, as if to inform her that she wasn’t special.

“Where do we put our stuff?” Finn asked, his smile gone. 

Rey’s new friend already had her back.

Black T-Shirt pointed vaguely in the direction of a building cluster, before excusing himself and walking away towards a shiny, glass building that looked very out of place in the barren landscape. 

“Wait, he didn’t even say his name,” Rey said, as they made their way towards the buildings.

“What a welcome,” Finn said, sarcastically.

\-----------------

Rey and Finn eventually found a block of temporary housing barracks, separated into signs indicating men and women. 

Her sleeping quarters had only six beds, each piled with belongings to claim their territory. She had expected there to be more female applicants. 

She laid down for five minutes, wishing she had time to recover from jetlag, but she knew she needed to change into something sporty and put her game face on straight away for ‘physical training’.

Ten minutes later, Rey came out, wiping her lip gloss off on her arm so she wouldn’t look girly amongst the horde of army-looking men exiting the adjacent building. She spotted Finn again and caught up with him, grateful to know one person. 

They joined the second of three lines forming in the field by the obstacle course. The other women looked like they arrived early, all in the first row. She felt slightly left out, wishing she was up there with the other girls. 

_They were smart, getting here early,_ Rey thought, but then she heard a laugh and followed their eye line.

Black T-shirt was there, talking with three others, all in professional attire, unlike him. One, a tall, gangly, bald man checked his watch and stepped forward, holding a megaphone.

“I’m Director Snoke. We accepted fifty applicants and there are only three spots,” he started, pausing to glare at a dark-haired man in the front as he raised his hand. There was a definitive silence as everyone waited to see Snoke’s reaction to the interruption.

The man’s hand remained in the air, despite Snoke’s wilting glare.

“Name?” Snoke sneered.

“Poe Dameron. What happened to the fourth slot?” he asked, loud enough for everyone to hear.

“We already selected one of the pilots, Ben Organa-Solo,” Director Snoke explained, motioning to Black T-shirt. 

Rey realized he must be Leia’s son. She would have chalked his placement up to nepotism if he didn’t look ten times more qualified than everyone else on the field. He’d probably been groomed for space missions since he was a child.

The older woman next to Ben looked familiar, until Rey recognized her from her Google search of ‘Leia Organa-Solo’. 

Director Snoke seemed to have lost his train of thought, still frowning at Poe, the one who dared disrupt the proceedings. He waved the megaphone and Ben stepped forward to take it, tapping into Snoke’s frustration, and shouting into the megaphone, “This is boot camp week, not space training. If you can’t go on, you can always ring out,” he said, pointing to a brass bell with a small rope handle near the fence line. 

“If you’re out, collect your things and wait for the next bus back to the airport. The 2035 mission requires you to be in peak physical condition. Alright, follow me.” He tossed the megaphone into a redheaded man’s fumbling hands.

Ben jogged towards the obstacles and they followed, dropping their phones, notebooks, water bottles, and other effects in the grass, realizing suddenly that the testing had begun.

Not knowing if it was more of a race or a drill, some sprinted, while others stayed in formation. Rey was in the middle, feeling like a small animal caught in a stampede. 

Up ahead, Ben walk-climbed the pyramid, pulling himself with one of the ropes. 

There were three ropes, each with people jockeying for a position to catch up with him. The angle seemed steeper when they were actually up close and climbing and one person slipped, taking out the climber beneath him. 

Rey grabbed the rope on the left, noticing an Asian girl next to her take a rope at the same time. They made eye contact, a show of solidarity, before beginning the climb. The rope was bristly, like plastic needles in her hands, but she was light weight, which helped.

At the top of the pyramid, there was a pole tied with a rope line that went from the tip over to the wooden platform above the net.

“No way,” Finn said, impressed, standing at the top of the pyramid with ten others, watching Ben move hand over hand, dangling fifteen feet in the air over to the platform.

“I can’t do that,” Rey said, more to herself than anyone, feeling disappointed.

No one seemed to want to monkey across the line. The top of the pyramid was getting crowded. 

“Is he straight, do you think?” Finn whispered, jokingly. He and Rey were both watching Ben as he lifted himself up onto the platform, his back muscles flexing.

They heard a chuckle.

“He’s straight and has a girlfriend,” Poe said from in front of them. 

“Who the fuck cares?” said one of the army-looking guys crammed in next to Poe.

“I mean, I don’t,” Poe said, before taking a deep breath and grabbed the rope, copying Ben’s technique of hand over hand, going dangerously fast, as if he were being timed. About halfway, he stopped, having difficulty. It looked like the incline had gotten to him. 

“Come on, Poe!” Rey shouted encouragement, more worried he would fall than she was about the air of competition. Others joined in.

“You got this, Poe!” Finn shouted louder.

“Go Poe!”

Poe went a few more feet, then hung for a moment by one hand, groaning audibly. 

“He’s not going to make it,” Rey said, looking down at the hard ground beneath him, estimating the best he could hope for was a sprain at this point.

“Really, Maps?” Finn said, seeing her jump up to grab the rope.

Rey smiled. _She had a nickname._

Her arms weren’t strong enough to go the way Ben and Poe had, but she crossed her calves over the rope, more of a sloth than a monkey. She worked her way carefully, grateful she had worn straight-leg yoga pants rather than shorts like some people. 

About halfway, she started to feel the jetlag, her adrenaline wearing off, her forearms burning, but Poe was down to his fingertips now. She continued on, so close. 

“Come on, Maps!” Finn shouted. His nickname spread, since no one else knew her name.

“Go, Maps!”

“Take your time, Maps!”

She reached out with both hands, catching Poe’s as he dropped, clinging to the rope with her legs and letting her body go slack under their combined weight, then letting him drop the last seven feet to the ground. 

It wasn’t much, but there was no way she could lift him and it was enough to prevent an injury as Poe landed and moved out of the way, afraid she might fall on him. 

“Ah, thank you,” Poe said, rubbing his hands.

Rey returned to her sloth position and continued the ascent, encouraged by the cheers behind her, but hurried, before she lost gusto the way Poe had.

At the top, Ben reached down and took her hand, pulling her up to the platform where she rolled onto her back.

He didn’t immediately let go of her hand, instead waiting until she was ready to stand before he pulled her up. 

She tried to remember if she’d ever touched a man for that long. _That felt like a long time._ But he was just treating her like one of the guys. She might have to get used to men and large, rough, calloused hands.

“Nice work, Maps. Look at all those guys. They’re angry you beat them across,” Ben said, his fingers stretching at his side. 

Maybe it was weird for him too.

His use of her new nickname felt mocking and intimate at the same time.

“Cheers,” she smiled, glad he wasn’t rude now, as they both watched Poe re-climb the pyramid.

“We don’t get a lot of Brits in the programs,” he said, glancing at her.

He wasn’t wooden, like she previously thought. His eyes were actually quite expressive. Boyish.

“No one wants to leave. England’s climate is perfect right now. Still green, but more sun than when I was little,” Rey said, remembering what it was like before the Global Heat Index rose two degrees.

The next part of the course was the jump to the net, so far down that the lines of the net were barely visible. Vertigo hit as she peeked over the side, trying to gauge the height. 

“Best to just close your eyes and jump. You’re losing your lead,” he said, without looking at her. Ben was waiting for the next guy as he sloth-climbed across the way Rey had.

“Did I say I was scared?” Rey muttered, still looking at Ben’s back. 

Ben turned his head, “No, I could just tell.”

“Well, I’m brilliant. I’m fine.”

She couldn’t imagine free falling. Jumping with nothing to hold onto, something that went against every living creature’s instincts. 

“They’re catching up,” he warned her.

_I can’t do it,_ she thought. Maybe if she could make out the net. And if she didn’t feel so safe on the platform with Ben.

“We’ll see,” he said, aloud. He looked back at her, his face softer, as if he heard her.

Suddenly, Ben stuck out his arm, his giant hand spreading out over her abdomen. Rey had a split second to appreciate the size of his hand again, before he pushed her backwards off the platform.

Somewhere between the high notes of her scream, she saw him in her mind, smiling ear to ear at his own flirtation, an uncharacteristic break from protocol, trying to help her maintain the lead. She hit the net, bounced once, and lay still, staring at the sky while her heart rate returned to normal. 

  
It took her a moment to realize that she had just discovered a second of something between her and the drill instructor. Something science couldn’t explain. But it was there, invisible.


	3. I'm human and I'm weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I need you 'cause I'm human and I'm weak  
>  You know just what I'm thinking  
> Haha, tongue-in-cheek  
> You're beautiful it's true  
> I don't know what to do  
> I'm dependent over you**
> 
> Whole by Girlyboi
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

“Bring it in,” Leia shouted through the megaphone to signal the end of day four. 

Several people stopped in their tracks to collapse.

Ben remembered when his father ran the program and ended each day with the same phrase. Even though he’d been on a mission for years, his mother still insisted on ending boot camp the same way. Something about it made him feel at home, which was what First Order X had become. 

In six months, his father would return, and they’d be together for a few weeks before it was Ben’s turn to leave. Between the two of them and their individual missions, he hadn’t seen his father in over six years. But that was the way of it with their family.

Ben was feeling the sting of a sunburn, having sweated off his sunscreen hours ago. 

He was behind Rey, or Maps, as they had taken to calling her, as she limped back to the barracks with Finn. He slowed down, hearing his name in their conversation.

“I just think if Snoke knew how hard it was to go all day like this, he wouldn’t look so unimpressed all the time. At least Ben does all the drills with us,” Rey said, her ass covered in dirt and her ponytail falling out. 

Ben’s mouth ticked up in a smile, glad she approved of him. Really, he needed to stay in shape just like the rest of them. 

Rey didn’t wear sunglasses. He liked the way she looked when she squinted up at him throughout the day. He had to fight the urge to hold a hand over her face to block the sun for her. It was almost as though he could feel his eyes watering, like some kind of psychic empath. But that was impossible. 

He found his water bottle, took a sip, and dumped the rest over his head to fight the sun’s rays scalding his pitch black hair.

His mother was waiting for him at the edge of the field, eager to discuss who was left after ten people rang out today: eight from exhaustion, one with a possible broken rib, and Rose, the last girl—other than Rey—with a jammed finger.

“Should you tell Kaydel, or should I?” his mother quipped, catching him watching Rey’s retreating form. His mother was always far too observant for his liking.

Ben ignored her comment. “What did you think about today?” 

“I told you my three were solid,” she said, smugly. “I think we’ve done enough determination and character testing, and all their psych evals came back great,” she said, placing confidence in first impressions, in their drive and personalities. 

Boot camp was designed to pit candidates against each other, see if anyone resisted, and these three had bonded, helping each other, rather than tripping each other up or taking pleasure in others’ misfortunes. Finn had even helped him up one time when he tripped on the tires. They shined with all the qualities his mother loved, some of which he was sure even he lacked. 

“Poe is kind of a wise ass,” Ben muttered.

“Yes, I think he’s watched Top Gun too many times, but I think it’s just a show,” she said, grinning. The way she did when she knew she was about to get her way.

“Rey’s too young. She’s under the cutoff age limit. How did she even get on the callback list?” Ben asked, feeling the need to be in motion, striding quickly towards the showers. 

His mother ran to keep up, like a campaigner, eager for his vote, but he knew all about the anesthesia involved in the 2035 mission and he didn’t want to risk Rey’s life when she had barely seen two decades on Earth. 

“You were younger than her on your first mission,” his mother scoffed, “I don’t know who put her in, thought it might have been you,” 

“It wasn’t. Snoke will never allow it anyway. You know he’s like a superstitious, old sea captain when it comes to women on trips,” Ben said. He hated admitting his mentor was biased, but it was true of every mission for the last ten years. Women never made Snoke’s final cut.

“I don’t think it’s superstition so much as misogyny. But, if you’re set on going to Erso, you may be glad of a woman, Ben. You know, you’re really good at the whole emotional procrastination, but go ahead and think long-term on this one, this isn’t a short trip,” Leia said.

“You act like you don’t know I’ve been dating the company psychologist for two years,” Ben spat, outpacing her and turning down the sidewalk that led to the barracks. 

She held her clipboard up in mock frustration, before headed back to the offices.

Despite his protests, his mother was right on target with her thinking. 

There was nothing lonelier than his last mission, and that one was only two and a half years. That trip—to the black hole and back—he piloted two researchers, great guys, but no amount of friendship could make up for that feeling of having a woman around. 

It was Kaydel who diagnosed him when he returned two years ago: monophobia, an anxious condition brought on by his singular upbringing, magnified by his lonesome mission to the black hole. He could hardly stand to be alone.

At first, he thought the black hole itself messed him up, maybe his brain chemistry or something, because the other crew members were complaining of personality changes around the same time, but Kaydel told him that was a highly unlikely cause.

Whatever the culprit, Kaydel was willing to be his cure. They hooked up in her office only two days after his return. She also kept his condition a secret, out of the same fear of losing her job and his.

She was unassuming, seemingly happy to see him whenever he could make time. He tried to show appreciation, without making it a promise, but he was no closer to proposing than he was two years ago. 

His lukewarm interest was killing her slowly, and he knew she had been unfaithful on a few occasions. He didn’t fault her for it. Work was his priority and she was surrounded by literal rocket scientists. It probably should have upset him, but he was just glad she stayed, that he had someone to pull close at night, a heartbeat to remind him he wasn’t in the dead of space, trapped in a box, one of the only three living beings for 27,000 light years.

They hadn’t broached the subject of his next mission. It was the elephant in the room. Maybe she was hoping he wouldn’t qualify for this one, since he might not pass the psychological challenges.

He hadn’t put much thought into more until boot camp. He kept telling himself he wanted someone like Rey. But it had only been four days and he knew he just wanted her. 

Frankly, she was a mousy little thing, covered in freckles. But, when she was about to give up, when the bell started calling her name, when her legs were jelly and her every cell was maxed out, she’d look at him in that day-dreamy way, hide her pain like an animal, and somehow carried on. 

Despite her physical inadequacies, by Day Three, she was keeping up with him. There wasn’t one thing—apart from perhaps weight lifting—at which he could best her. 

“You want her to come,” he said to himself, remembering her failed attempt to squeeze his hand when she got off the bus.

The problem would be getting her into the program. Snoke wouldn’t like the complications of a female crew member: birth control, having one woman and three men, or the potential publicity fallout of a 21-year-old girl dying in Hypersleep. Investors don’t pay to die in Hypersleep.

He’d have to throw his full weight behind the recommendation, keep his distance, and feign indifference. In less than seven months, they could be launching, but in the meantime, he would have to keep up pretenses with Kaydel so Snoke wouldn’t suspect he was showing unfair partiality. 

No big deal, but if his plan didn’t work, he’d be single forever on a moon in the Cassian Galaxy.

The bathroom entrance was split with the men to the left and women to the right. He spotted Rey going in with her towel and flip flops and he realized she would have the women’s quarters all to herself now, with Rose gone. 

He picked a stall, hung his clothes on the hook as the water heated up, and stepped in to let the water soothe his sore muscles. He tried not to think about how one wall away she was probably undressing. He felt his dick hardening and cursed in frustration. He couldn’t do anything about a boner here; the room was an echo chamber.

His place was only fifteen minutes away, but during boot camp, he couldn’t wait that long to get clean. The Nevada grit blew and stuck to his sweaty skin, made his scalp itchy, and flew into his ears. 

Dipping his head under the hot stream, he closed his eyes, only creating a dark, blank slate for his imagination to wander back to Rey all alone on the girl’s side, where he pictured her soaping herself, blissful knowing she’d made it through another hard, hot day. 

If they were dating, he could sneak in there and they’d have the place to themselves.

Leaning forward, he placed one hand on the cold tile wall and let the water run down his back, hunching under the low faucet, letting his right hand find a familiar rhythm.

_He’d peel his clothes off on the way to her stall, peek through the curtain and watch the dirt form trails down her skin like it did his, falling off her round little ass. She’d spin around, surprised for a second, make that face like when he shoved her off the platform._

Ben’s hand moved faster, feeling himself harder than he could ever remember, still self-listening to make sure he wasn’t giving himself away. 

_He’d pull her against his chest, let her press her wet ass against his cock, stiff and aching, nestled right between her cheeks. His hands could explore her breasts, which seemingly stopped developing when she was a teenager, dip down to help her arousal along, rub tight circles into her until she begged-_

Ben stifled a cough as he accidentally inhaled some water.

_Despite his own need, he’d make her wait, because everything was better when you turned it into Christmas Eve. Finally, when she felt hot and swollen down there, dripping honey for him, he would push her forward, her hands shooting out to brace herself on the cold tiles, displaying her ass for him and planting her feet firmly because she knew he liked it rough._

Ben bit down on his own upper arm, determined not to make a noise.

_He’d nudge his tip from her entrance to her clit, just once, then slip inside her, feel her stretch around his girth, go slow at first, but then fast, not stopping until her noises became one long cry. They’d gasp for air and breathe steam, their stall hot and suffocating in the cold, unheated room._

Ben looked up at the hand he was leaning on, wondering if Rey was in this stall on the other side. A stupid thought, considering there were twenty stalls in either room. He was struck suddenly with the realization that he was fantasizing about a girl ten years his junior who had no idea he was already planning his entire future around her, four days into their acquaintance. 

Now was not the time to sort all that out.

_He could hold her by the hips, squeezing her curves tight in his hands so he could pull her back and forth over him, till the friction had them both panting. She’d cry out, a fractured sound, obscured by his pumps. But he’d cover her mouth, reminding her they had to be quiet, thrusting against the slick of her orgasm, watching her ass cheeks redden from where their bodies made contact, making that frantic slapping sound, oh, shit, no, that was him._

_Oh. Fuck._

Ben came, hips jerking, trying to calm his erratic breaths, lost in the escapism of five minutes of emotional procrastination.

“Solo!” Hux’s voice piped from outside Ben’s shower curtain. 

_Shitfuck._

“Uh, yeah?” Ben replied, hurriedly washing his hand off in the stream.

“Director Snoke would like to speak with you before you go home,” Hux said shortly, making for the exit before the humid room forced him to break a sweat.

Ben exhaled loudly, the sound of which probably gave him away even more. Luckily no one seemed to notice, or they were practiced at hiding it.

Walking out five minutes later, he almost jumped when Rey came out of the women’s showers. 

He’d never seen her with her hair down or in a cut up T-shirt, hanging off one of her shoulders. 

He could have that shirt off her in one second _._

“This place reminds me of the locker rooms at secondary school,” Rey said, waving her toiletry caddy in the air. She was trying to make conversation, ease the tension of seeing ‘teacher’ outside of class.

“I didn’t go to high school,” was all he could think to say, adding, “I had a tutor.”

“That’s posh,” she said, awkwardly walking several feet apart from him as he headed to Snoke’s office. They were almost to the women’s barracks.

“And isolated,” he countered, in an attempt to put them on equal footing. She glanced at him seriously for a moment but he diverted her pity quickly. 

“Are they feeding you enough? You look skinny,” he said, regretting that comment halfway through, but his big mouth plodded on. 

Yet another virtue of Leia’s Trio, they were good at small talk. It probably helped that they’d been on Earth their whole lives.

“Oh, um, yeah, I’m probably working it all off though,” Rey said, looking down at her legs. 

She sounded ashamed and he kicked himself mentally, thinking of a way to build her back up. 

They were at the turn to the barracks, so he quickly blurted out “Today was the last day, I’m cancelling tomorrow.” 

She stayed, turning all the way to face him now. 

“Why?” she asked, looking worried, probably thinking they were scrapping the mission or something.

“Because we’ve chosen the crew,” he said, despite the fact that it wasn’t official at all. He still had to get Snoke’s approval.

“Can you tell me who?” she asked, taking a small step closer. 

She looked anxious again. She had no idea she was written down on Day One, and not just in Leia’s notes. If he had a list it would look like a 6th grader’s binder with the same name written over and over.

Ben watched a drop of water fall from the tip of her hair and land in the sand at her feet, the cracked earth absorbing it greedily. 

“You,” he said, embarrassed at the tone of his own voice, husky, like pillow talk.

She swallowed. He knew he was staring, but she had shoulder freckles, and he hadn’t imagined them there. Clearing his throat, Ben took a step back. 

“It’s not for certain. Is it?” Rey said, as if calling his bluff.

How did she know?

“Well, I should say I’m off to recommend you. We’ll know by tomorrow. Then after some nondisclosure agreements we can brief you on the mission.”

“Thank you,” she said excitedly, looking like she was ready to run and find a door to scream happily behind.

“I’m sorry I called you skinny,” he said, while he still had her there.

“Sorry I called you posh,” she smiled. 

“Alright, but keep that information confidential for now,” he said waving his hands lazily. 

“Okay,” she exhaled, turning and heading to the barracks. 

Ben’s grin faded as he made for the main building. 

Director Snoke’s office was indulgently large, though he had the same view as everyone else, heat haze and dust. 

Fanning out the files onto his desk, Ben made a case for the placements.

Snoke deliberated, of course, taking unnecessarily long pauses, enjoying the power of dragging out the decision. 

Ben looked up to him, grateful for the opportunities Snoke gave him on previous missions and granting him his father’s old roles while he was away. But there was something scheming about the man, regardless. He was always one step ahead of everyone else, always planning contingencies, something he’d taught Ben in his early years, a habit he couldn’t break now.

“You’ve run a great boot camp, and I‘ll agree, if we keep a standby for each person. They don’t know about the anesthesia or the commitment to this mission and might back out at any time in the next seven months. So pick three more,” he said, sliding the files back. Ben felt he was laying a trap. Setting up a failsafe so he could replace Rey.

As Ben got to the door, Snoke said, “I don’t know about the girl, she’s the least trained, no military or aeronautics experience to speak of.”

He knew it.

Ben turned, steeling himself. “She is untrained, but she’s strong and I’ll teach her everything she needs to know.” 

Snoke shrugged and Ben ducked out before he could change his mind.

Kaydel was leaning against the wall outside, waiting for his meeting to finish.

“Hi, oh, did you shower?” she asked, taking his hand—the one he’d used only an hour ago—and walking him towards the stairs.

“Yes, I’ve still got some work,” he lied, holding up the files. He already had three more placements in mind for the Trio, all he had to do was call his mom with the good news.

“Alright, come find me when you’re done,” Kaydel said, unfazed. 

She was used to his excuses, giving him a peck on the cheek and heading downstairs, probably to work out at the gym until he was ready. 

She was so nice and normal. Here he was, planning on using her as a smoke screen. 

His sunburned cheeks stung. Slowly, he leaned his face against the cold wall in the empty hallway.


	4. That trembling tender little sigh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Your head is so numb  
>  That nervous breath you try to hide  
> Between the motions  
> That trembling tender little sigh  
> And so it goes  
> A choking rose back  
> To be reborn  
> I want to hold you like you're mine**
> 
> Agnes by Glass Animals  
>    
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

Rey was becoming aware that she couldn’t pick up much of the connection unless Ben was actively thinking about her. When she asked a question or they were on the same part of the course. When he whistled for a water break or she was at the front of the line. When his body was busy, his mind would turn to thoughts of her, not really words or sentences, but noticing, watching, his eyes jerking away whenever she turned her head. But nothing now—in the main building’s atrium—with dozens of people talking to him.

That morning, Director Snoke, Hux, Leia, and Ben dismissed five people, before declaring her, Poe, Finn, and Ben essentially the first string. The three other candidates still in the room would be their replacements in the event any of them backed out. 

Her cartographer understudy, Walter, looked like a Marine. Or Mr. Clean.

How did she beat that guy?

Rose was still there, despite the pilot positions being full, her jammed finger looking bruised but otherwise fine, as she waved at Rey. 

Last night, in the barracks, Rose explained how Leia had grilled her with a few technical questions, then hired her to help with the ship’s engineers. 

Rey was relieved she wouldn’t be all alone in the women’s quarters, even happier because—of the five other girls—Rose was her favorite, the only one who didn’t talk about Ben’s hair for hours on end, even though it was glorious. 

Part of her wondered if Leia hired Rose so that Rey wouldn’t be alone. Leia was often seen trying to bolster the women in an industry that had been dominated by men for almost a century.

Rose had already made friends with another employee, Kaydel, who was apparently Ben’s mysterious girlfriend. 

Rey tried not to stare enviously at her, but she was able to get a quick appraisal. Kaydel was about Rey’s height, with long, platinum hair and a curvy figure squeezed into a pencil skirt, making her look like Marylin freakin’ Monroe. 

Rey tried not to think how _she_ looked in her jean shorts and old, grey tank top, her hair thrown up in a messy bun. 

Before the briefing, Poe was so thrilled about being chosen that he proposed the crew of four go out to celebrate later. They were less than an hour from Las Vegas, after all. His excitement was contagious, but Rey had no idea what she was going to wear.

Ben stepped forward. “Our mission is a possible one-way trip to the Cassian Galaxy, to a moon called ‘Erso’ orbiting the planet Praetoria.” 

“Did he say a different galaxy?” Finn whispered to Rey, excitedly.

Ben continued talking over them, louder now. “You’re probably wondering how we’re going to get there. Well, the black hole we’ve been studying isn’t in fact a super massive collection of matter, but a wormhole. My father successfully passed through and back and is returning to Earth. We know from my mission three years ago that probes returned with evidence of a goldilocks moon. Close enough to a sun to have warmth and far away enough to sustain an atmosphere and life. Our mission is to find an escape for hundreds of people from Earth.” 

Director Snoke spoke next. “We’re going to have to use Hypersleep for this mission, and as some of you may know, trials only began ten years ago and the death rate is one in four. I repeat, one out of you four will not survive Hypersleep. Your crew will spend two years in the gas-filled pods that effectively slow down all of your bodily functions, making it as if one day has passed. No need for muscle stimulation, food, or awkward bathroom apparati. We will continue perfecting the formula while you are on mission so that hopefully, one day, the survival rate will be one hundred percent.” Snoke ceded to Leia who stepped forward.

She looked seriously around at them, still taking in the death rate of the Hypersleep gas. “Humans have ravaged the Earth. We hit the Ecological Debt Day in January. That means that in one month we used more resources than the Earth could regenerate all year. Time is running out for our species. Predictions put us at twenty years until oxygen levels plummet. You’re our only hope.”

The gleeful mood from before the briefing had shifted as the crew realized they weren’t going on a space joyride, but a dangerous scientific rescue mission.

\-------------------------------

After Rey, Poe, and Finn initialized so many waivers and documents that their hands began cramping, they explored up to Ben’s office on the top floor, right next to the Director’s.

“Do you still want to do a Vegas celebration, Drill Sergeant?” Finn asked, his head poking through the door. Ben ignored the crack.

“I rode with Kaydel today, but we could probably take the company motorcycles,” Ben said, smiling when Poe came in for a high five.

“Yes, stealing, a great start to a night of revelry. Where was this guy at boot camp?” Poe laughed, half-sitting on Ben’s desk and playing with his pencil cup.

“I don’t know how to drive a motorcycle,” Rey said, wondering if they had taxis in the desert.

“Don’t worry, me either. We can just double up, right guys?” Finn asked.

Poe dropped the pencil cup on Ben’s desk, spilling identical pens all over his current project. 

Ben’s jaw clenched. 

“Yeah, we’ll get out of your hair, see you outside at 21:00,” Rey said, pulling Poe off the desk.

\--------———-

“Okay, that outfit is trouble,” Rose said, watching Rey do a spin wearing the fourth finished ensemble she’d squeezed her into. 

Rose decided Rey looked best in torn, black leggings—the motorcycle ride negating any potential skirts or dresses—and a slinky, silvery shirt with a very low neckline, courtesy of Rose.

“I don’t know if I can wear this,” Rey laughed, grabbing her blue jean jacket to cover up. It was almost time to meet the guys.

“That’s the thing. You can still get away with it because you’re 21,” Rose said, slurring endearingly from the pregame vodka shots they did during their makeup and fashion show.

“But hide when Kaydel gets here because she is not going to be happy about all that,” she said, waving her hand in a circle around Rey’s chest. “She was pissed that Ben was going out with the crew—meaning you—without inviting her. She thinks he likes you because he called you ‘Maps’ during the briefing, but I told her everyone calls you that. Anyway, that’s why we’re going to a local bar. I think she’s going to vent.”

“I’m sure I can invite you guys,” Rey offered, suddenly realizing how rude it was to go with just the four of them. 

“No, I somehow think the company psychologist needs her own therapeutic girl sesh, probably more than hanging with the girl who is jetting off with her boyfriend in a few months.” 

There was a knock at the door and they froze as Kaydel stepped in, smiling forcibly, having overheard at least some of their conversation.

“Hi, Rey, right?” she said sweetly, shaking Rey’s hand as she took stock of her neckline, her face growing darker by the second.

“Yes,” Rey said, balking as Kaydel’s brown eyes threw daggers. 

_Brilliant._ One week and she already had a mortal enemy.

“Glad to see a girl finally got into a mission at First Order X,” Kaydel said, unconvincingly. “Leia is company royalty and even she couldn’t get past Snoke.”

There was a long silence as Rey put on her heeled boots, Kaydel’s laser eyes burning into her back.

“Be good in Sin City, Rey!” Rose said as she and Kaydel headed out. 

“Bye!”

Putting on her lipstick in the mirror, Rey stopped as Kaydel stepped back inside. Rey wished she hadn’t chosen the reddest red, wished she was in a giant, ugly sweater so Kaydel would stop glaring accusations at her.

“Forgot my purse,” Kaydel said, picking it up off Rose’s nightstand. “Have fun,” she said, quietly, more of a threat than a pleasantry.

After Kaydel left, Rey thought about not going, or changing, but there wasn’t time. She ran to meet up with the crew, already waiting for her by the guard’s gates under the triangle of light there, the dirt road lit by the headlights of two stationary motorcycles.

Poe, always antsy, straddled the one on which he had been leaning, patting the seat space behind him for Finn or Rey to hop on. 

In the time it took Rey to thread her arms into her blue jean jacket, Poe was already revving away with a Finn attachment. 

Ben was watching her, carefully.

“Have you already started drinking?” he asked, probably noticing how unsteady she was as her heels sank into the ground.

“Oh, yeah, I hope that’s okay. I don’t have a ton of money to throw away on $12 drinks,” Rey said, taking a step closer. 

“No, it’s smart, I just think maybe I should sit you in front of me, so you don’t fall or anything,” he said, his eyes flicking down her neckline.

“Fine by me,” Rey said, climbing on first, the machine tilted slightly as it rested on the kickstand. 

Ben helped her put on a helmet before sliding on behind her, leaning forward over her to grab the handlebars and pulling the bike upright.

His arms were long, but it was a bit of a stretch, so he scooted himself closer, before kicking down on something that roared the bike to life. 

Rey didn’t know where to put her hands. She tried them on the middle of the handlebars, then on the front edge of the seat. As the bike jolted forward, her hands flew down to catch herself, landing right on Ben’s thighs. She ripped her hands away as if scalded, holding onto the front of the seat again. 

The tires gained purchase on the highway pavement as they left First Order X and their speed increased to seventy miles per hour.

Getting comfortable, Ben spread his legs and sped up, the G-forces taking that opportunity to push her down the seat recline right into him like a puzzle piece. Rey tried to keep some appropriate space between her back and his chest, before he accelerated again, flattening her against him and the warm, muscled wall of his pecs. She briefly wondered if he had done it on purpose, but he was probably trying to catch up with Poe. 

The top of her helmet clinked with his chin. She would have apologized, if they could speak to each other, but the helmets prevented any kind of conversation. 

In the rumbling silence and blackness, she became hyper-aware of their bodies, of his giant hands on the rubber handles and the way he leaned into her, so gently it might have been unconsciously done, or to protect her. She tried not to think about her ass bumping up and down his crotch, probably more erotic to her than him, with his focus on driving.

It took everything she had not to reach into the connection to see what he was thinking, knowing that if his thoughts were anything like hers, they weren’t going to make it to the club. 

The bike’s turbulent engine reminded her of the vibrator she left in England, for fear of TSA agents seeing it. A week was a long time for her to go without getting off. Especially watching Ben doing feats of athleticism every day, but boot camp made the thought of dedicating ten minutes coaxing an orgasm by hand exhausting. Privacy was also hard to come by.

Buttoning up her jacket so the wind wouldn’t blow her shirt open, Ben’s hand left the handle to steady her while her hands were occupied. First, his hand accidentally found the bare flesh between her leggings and shirt, then jumped higher, to her ribs over her jacket. That small touch electrified her, and she made a little noise of frustration to herself in her helmet. 

Kaydel was right to be worried. She never wanted to be a homewrecker, but now, melting into Ben, as if pulled tight by unseen arms, she’d raze a whole city of women to the ground if it meant she could have him. 

By the time they pulled up to Club Perilune, Rey’s legs were shaking from clenching the bike in self restraint. 

Ben pulled his helmet off, sighing as she slid off first. Rey couldn’t read the sigh, either disappointment or relief, maybe both.


	5. Sin City wasn’t made for you, angels like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Sin City wasn't made for you  
>  Angels like you  
> I had to be near you  
> Thoughts in mind, going so crazy  
> I just wanna hear you  
> One touch on your body**
> 
> Sin City by Chrishan
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

Ben raised his voice a little so they could hear him over the music.

“There are isolated incidents of humans surviving abnormally high gravitational forces. Air Force officer John Stapp demonstrated that a human could survive forty-six G’s. I mean, the experiment only went on for a few seconds, but for an instant, his body weighed over seven thousand seven hundred pounds,” Ben said, downing the rest of his drink.

Poe chugged his as well, before shouting over the table, “You’re not exactly sugar coating this mission, Solo.”

“Our ship is engineered so we won’t feel a thing,” Ben added.

“So, basically,” Poe started, “NASA funding has been diverted to technology efforts to restore balance on Earth. The space race is now down to all these privately-owned companies funded by desperate billionaires, investing in a doomsday escape for them and their families. So, we just got free tickets, my friends.” Poe wrapped his arms around Ben and Finn and grinned at Rey so she wouldn’t be left out.

“If it’s viable, yes,” Ben said, reminding them all that there was a chance the moon might not be suited for human life.

“What was the black hole like?” Rey asked, sipping a water since she arrived tipsy.

She was looking at him, but he stared at the table as he answered, “When a massive star collapses under its own gravity—when the fuel is exhausted—all matter is crushed out of existence, and the gravitational pull becomes so strong that not even light can escape. Up close, it took up our field of vision, like you’re just looking into space without stars. It’s unnerving. There’s the sense that you’re small and powerless and shouldn’t be anywhere near it.”

Finn stood up from the private table, “We’re here to get away from space talk, to celebrate. Can’t we just dance?”

Ben stood too, heading back to the bar for a water, frustrated at his lack of social skills, defaulting to ‘space talk,’ as Finn called it. Turning, he watched Finn lead Rey onto the dance floor, her face lighting up in a smile, her shirt—if you could call it that—showing the curve of her breast.

Why did he agree to this? He felt too tall, too overdressed, too old to go clubbing.

Sipping his water, he sought Rey out in the crowd, dancing with Finn. He’d avoided eye contact since their arrival, something too intimate about it after having her ass snug in his lap for half an hour on the ride south.

Ben hated dancing. He had never tried, but he knew he would be bad at it. The alcohol probably would help, if he was able to drink enough to ditch his nerves, but he was staying sober, like Poe, knowing they had to drive back.

Where was Poe? He wasn’t at the table.

After a cursory search, Ben spotted him talking with the DJ, so he went back to the booth to guard their stuff. Removing his tie and sticking it in his jacket pocket—wadded up on the seat—Ben rolled up his sleeves in an effort to appear less formal. He hated sitting alone while everyone else enjoyed themselves.

His hands were starting to shake, an anxiety symptom.

“Are you okay?” Rey asked, sitting next to him, cheeks flushed.

“I’m fine,” Ben said, his hands stilling.

“I’m sorry if I bored you guys with all that,” he added, trying to remember how long he had rambled about the mission.

“I thought it was interesting,” Rey said, taking a sip of his water. “Finn didn’t mean to insult you or anything, I think we’re all just mourning our last few months on Earth. We thought we had twenty years like everyone else, then it turned into half a year.”

Ben nodded, looking around. He felt lucky to escape what was coming, even though he should be worrying about Kaydel, left here on Earth, vying to get on one of the next trips. He should have invited her tonight. It would have made it easier to avoid Rey. A pang of guilt started in his stomach and traveled to his chest.

“I should text Kaydel,” Ben said, right as Rey asked, “Do you want to dance?”

Her nose scrunched in embarrassment, so cute his chest hurt again.

“Oh! Yeah, you do that. I’ll go find Finn,” Rey said, jumping up. But instead of heading to the dance floor, she bee-lined for the bar.

Ben suspected Rey liked him too, but it didn’t feel real until just then.

Part of him wanted to text Kaydel to break up, grab Rey from the bar, and find the nearest hotel. The pragmatist in him tried to remember the long-term plan: keep emotion off Snoke’s radar, get Rey to launch day, then he had all the time in the world—or universe.

He stared at his phone screen, typing and retyping a message to Kaydel, before giving up and setting his phone down on the table. He didn’t know how to get what he wanted and still be a good person.

His phone buzzed, Kaydel calling. He grabbed it and headed out the front door to escape the noise.

“Hello,” Ben answered.

“Hey, Ben, this is me,” she said, sounding drunk.

“You doing okay?” Ben asked. He’d never heard her that wasted.

“Nope,” she said simply.

“What’s wrong?”

“You didn’t invite me,” she said, sniffling loudly into the phone receiver.

“I know, I feel terrible,” Ben said, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. His schemes were already hurting her.

“Okay, that was all, go back to having fun,” she said.

“I’m not having fun,” he said, truthfully.

Thirty minutes later, Ben found himself even sulkier as he watched Rey dancing with a boy her own age. He was closer to her height and traditionally handsome, unlike him. Ben ran his hand through his hair self consciously to cover his ears.

It wasn’t like Rey would notice. She was so gone, her eyes had barely opened for the last ten minutes.

Poe and Finn were sitting next to him, having a conversation he couldn’t hear, only feet away, but the music was so loud he couldn’t make out the topic.

Instead of butting in to replace Rey’s dance partner—like he wanted to—Ben opted for a different approach, instead imagining himself in his place.

She had her hands on his, traveling up and down her hips. Her shoulder-length hair falling into her face as she swayed, singing along to the song—impressive, considering her level of inebriation. He spun her around for a kiss, lips connecting, but she pulled away angrily and tripped to her knees, unsteady in her shoes.

Ben jumped up, running to help.

“Ew, Ben, that guy just kissed me,” Rey said as he helped her up, her eyes still closed. He wasn’t sure how she knew it was him, but the thought that she could sense him made him smile.

Her conquest scowled.

As Ben stood with Rey’s hands in his, he sized Ben up, before he decided that she wasn’t worth a confrontation and headed towards the bar.

Rey leaned on Ben for support, but resisted when he made to escort her off the dance floor. She still wanted to dance, her face almost grumpy. One eye opened long enough to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere, then she pressed herself into him, not even dancing, just burying her face in his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist.

“Alright, Maps, let’s get you some water,” Ben whispered in her ear. He could smell her hair. Sweet. Like peaches.

“I know you have a girlfriend,” she murmured, groggily.

“Yes, I do,” Ben said, backing slowly against the wall where they wouldn’t look so weird, standing still in the middle of the dance floor.

Rey mumbled something so he leaned in closer to hear. Her face turned up to his like a magnet. He wasn’t sure if he did it or her, but their lips met in a hasty kiss.

He stopped, fighting himself, then cradled her neck in his hand and found her mouth again, half-open and waiting for him, the reality of the moment waking her up.

Her tongue glided over his and he sucked on it, wanting as much of her as possible, fighting to keep his hands in socially-appropriate places. She reached up and twisted her hands in his hair, pulling so hard he could tell she was worried he would change his mind.

Ben took a breath and spun her to the wall, pinning her, hunching down, ready to reassure her, but then he saw her stumble. Leaning back, Ben licked his lips, slowly coming back to himself.

She was drunk. And he had a girlfriend. This could jeopardize everything, not with his girlfriend, but with her. Seeing Poe and Finn coming over, he pivoted beside Rey, as if they had just been talking.

“Hey, you guys about ready to go? Rey, you want some water?” Finn asked, handing her one of the cups in his hand.

She took it, drinking deeply, her hazel eyes glancing up at him. She was probably wondering what the hell had just happened, much like him. One second he was extricating her from the floor, the next he had his tongue down her throat, so much so he could still taste the lingering citrus tang from her screwdriver.

“I think this was a pretty fun night out,” Poe said as they made for the door. “I mean, I’m a little disappointed none of us did the moonwalk, but there’s always next time.”

The cold night air seemed to sober Rey a little, her walk straightening. At the bikes, Ben caught a glimpse of her face before she pulled her helmet down. She looked confused. He was with her there.

Poe and Finn took off first again, as if it were a race.

Kicking a leg over the bike, Ben helped Rey climb on in front of him, remembering the torture of the ride down.

Swallowing at the thumbnail of moon high over the desert, he prayed for self-control, before stamping down on the kickstarter. It slipped and whacked him painfully in the shin, but he got it the second time, starting slow so Rey wouldn’t fall. He turned onto the road, Rey leaning in sync with him, hitting the highway within two minutes. The cool wind felt good after the smothering club.

When he went up to eighty, their weight shifted to the back tire for a moment and Rey’s body slid into his again. She squirmed forward, but the seat was curved like a slide, bringing her back to him inch by inch.

He gripped the handlebars tighter, as if that would help him keep his hands to himself.

They still had so far to go.

He could see a small flicker that was Poe and Finn, but there wasn’t another car on the road for miles, the flat terrain laid out before them. Rey gave up and leaned back on him. It felt like she was shaking a little, but it wasn’t cold. Or maybe it was his pulse, pounding in his veins like a bass drum.

He exhaled, fogging his visor, blocking his view of the road.

Unsnapping, he quickly pulled off his helmet while the other hand steered. He threw the strap over the gunny sack handle, letting the wind whip through his hair.

Rey took his helmet removal as a lead, pulling hers off too and hanging it from the carabiner next to the gas cap.

“No, leave yours on, mine was just fogging up,” Ben explained in her ear.

Rey’s hand came up to his cheek, her hair blowing over his other shoulder, her eyes on his mouth, giving away her thoughts.

With a stern glance at the road for any obstacles, Ben closed his eyes and kissed her. Her mouth was insistent, like the first time, but she relaxed, finding an intoxicating rhythm.

He shouldn’t be doing this. It was going against his plan. It wasn’t fair to Kaydel. And it was fucking dangerous.

But for some reason, it felt like it didn’t count. When it was dark and desolate, nothing but the bike’s rumble. They couldn’t be more alone under the expanse of stars. But it was the good kind of alone.

She whined, the noise buzzing into his mouth. He heard a flurry of thoughts. Thoughts that weren’t his, despite the fact that they were completely in line with his thinking.

Whoa.

Ben’s eyes shot open and he broke the kiss, unsure of how long he had been driving blind.

What the fuck was that?

Rey didn’t seem to care if she was a distraction, sliding her hands down his thighs, taking advantage of the fact that he had to keep his hands on the bike. His dick started to strain against his jeans, his body encouraging him to throw out his plan.

His vision blurred and he blinked harder, trying to focus, his lips still tingling from her kiss. He was remembering every time he thought he could sense Rey in the past week. Her fear on the platform, squinting at the sun, not giving up because she wanted him, the showers.

How many signs did he need? He must be mind reading her.

She’d be so mortified if she knew he could do this.

Rey’s hand reached back, feeling his length through the denim. He could feel her lust and it was magnifying his own. Growling, Ben grabbed her hand and placed it on her leg. His breath was ragged now, fighting the urge to pull over and fuck her in the sand.

Rey’s body went rigid.

“Sorry,” Rey apologized, trying to read his expression, before facing forward.

“Just take the handlebars,” Ben demanded, sounding angrier than he meant to.

Confused, Rey leaned forward and replaced his hands, knowing what to do after having watched him.

Pulling the waistband of her leggings away from her skin, he plunged his right hand into her panties and bit down on her neck. The bike swerved for a second as she registered his touch, before straightening out.

Ben sucked in a breath, feeling her slick with want. She was so soft. He would run his tongue over her if he could. His frustration was making him rougher than usual, as he manhandled her from clit to her entrance, up and down.

She gasped and he could feel her groin muscles tense, but she didn’t slow the bike, if anything, going faster.

He checked their speed. Ninety.

“Slow down,” he ordered her quickly, aware that they were both helmetless, like idiots.

“Sorry,” she stammered, rotating her wrist forward on the throttle to bring them back down to eighty. Not that that was a safe speed.

“Nice job, Maps,” he whispered, the tip of his middle finger still busy sliding up and down her sex.

He continued tasting her neck—salty from dancing—wishing the skin under his tongue was the sensitive spot between her legs as he sucked and lapped at her.

She put her weight on her feet, raising herself up a little to give him more access, leaning her shoulders back into him for support. His hand moved even faster, matching that inexplicable thrum that pulsed between them. One day they’d talk about that, but not tonight.

He found her entrance and hooked two fingers into her, pulling her closer, up against his cock. She liked that, quivering shamelessly. It was hard to kiss her shoulder when he was grinning, but her response to him was incredible.

His left hand slipped around through the opening of her shirt, finding her bare breast, her nipple already hard from the wind. It fit perfectly in the palm of his hand and he pulled her tight, breathing hot on her neck so she’d know what she did to him.

Her head fell back, her noises coming in spurts, but Ben watched the road for her. Between the two of them, they were one driver.

Shit. Headlights approaching.

She was so close, she was practically convulsing, spreading her legs wider for him, the speed pulling her cries into the air behind them. Her shuddering ceased as she came, sobbing out a word that could have been his name, or a curse word, or a deity, or all three combined, her chest heaving irregularly under his grip.

Just in time, Ben pulled his hands off her before the oncoming car saw past the glare of their headlight. He took the handlebars back, slowing them down, nearly missing the exit to First Order X.

Watching Rey’s shoulders moving up and down, feeling the heat radiating off her, Ben drove right up to the sidewalk to drop her off.

She half-fell off the bike, mouth open, cheeks ruddy, trying to flatten her hair. He could sense her embarrassment. He thought about telling her that. That he could read her. It was easily provable. But he was enjoying his secret. He’d tell her another day.

“Look, Ben, I don’t know why—” she muttered. “I know I shouldn’t have touched you—”

Ben cut her off, remembering his plan. “This didn’t happen, okay? Nothing happened.”

God, his big, stupid mouth! He knew in an hour he’d be lying awake thinking of a million better ways to have recovered the plan after fingering her on a Yamaha like a fucking teenager.

Rey looked back and forth at his eyes, offended. She took a step away. That little bit of distance cut like a knife.

“Yes, sir,” she said as she spun around, running towards the barracks.

Cringing, Ben tried to remember who had started it. She wanted a kiss and he went straight for her panties.

Jesus fuck. Now she probably thought he made a habit of groping trainees. That he was a cheating, lying monster.

He heard the barracks door slam.

Ben turned the bike to head home to Kaydel, feeling deflated. Fuck. Fuck.

The last one escaped his lips. “Fuck!”


	6. I’ll make it to your door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In the time that it takes  
>  You running back home  
> I’ll make it to your door  
> No, I won’t let you alone  
> I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t  
> Do anything for you**
> 
> Anything for you by Chelsea Cutler
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

“And when I came back to the table, they were just making out!” Rose whispered. 

Rey was listening to Rose’s retelling of her night out with Kaydel as they folded their dry clothes in the communal laundry room. Rey kept her shock hidden, her face impassive.

“Kaydel?”

“Yeah, with the engineer. I think his name was Beau. Looked like a hobbit—but like a sexy hobbit,” Rose said, remembering. “My guy was way hotter though.”

“Kaydel. Made out with someone,” Rey clarified again, still in a state of disbelief.

“Yeah, I was trying so hard to like her, but I can’t like a person who cheats,” Rose said, seriously.

Rey swallowed. 

If Rose only knew. She’d hate her too.

“Are you excited to start training tomorrow?” Rose asked as they walked back to the barracks. 

Rey wished she had someone she could talk to about what had happened with Ben and how he suddenly rejected her, but knew now that that was impossible. Rose was her only friend, other than Finn and Poe, but she could never imagine confiding in a guy.

“I’m so excited,” Rey lied, holding the door for her.

\---------------------------

“When we’re not working on our separate focuses, we’re going to practice several things,” Ben said to the group as they lined up in the corridor of the massive training building called The Warehouse.

Rey stared at her shoes and the fine layer of sand dust that had stained them red, out of place on the pristine tile floor. 

So far this morning she and Ben had successfully avoided looking at one another.

“We want to prepare you for what it really feels like in space. The deprivation, the silence, so that when the time comes it won’t feel so foreign,” Ben said, opening the door and motioning for them to follow. 

Inside, they congregated in front of four doors, open to reveal small, cell-like rooms, each with bare comforts, toilet, bed, chair, the interior walls covered with a spongy soundproofing material. 

“These are the Shoeboxes, equipped with enough food and supplies to last a week. We’re going to pair up and—” Ben handed Poe a handful of button fobs attached to neck lanyards. “These will tell your partner if you need to come out, that the deprivation chamber is too much. We each have to go a continuous week—168 hours—before we can be certified psychologically prepared. The door lock logs your time, which shows up on the screen here. Your fobs have a color that corresponds with your partner’s. Wherever on the campus you are, I don’t care how busy you are, when your button beeps, get your ass back to the Shoebox to open the door.”

Rey’s fob was painted with a blue dot. Everyone zig zagged to their partners, everyone except Ben.

Ben stepped forward, meeting her in front of the Shoebox door marked with blue paint. Rey feigned interest in the screen that read _168 hours_.

“I’ll go first, if you like. I have a lot of work to do anyway and in there is as good a place as any,” Ben said, maintaining a formal tone, as he stared into the room. 

Maybe this was how it was going to be now. Professional colleagues. Pretending it didn’t happen.

Poe and Steve, Finn’s security backup, were doing paper rock scissors to see who would go first. 

Finn flipped a coin with Walter and lost. 

They had an odd number of participants, since Ben had no backup, so Hux was there to be the fob keeper for Devon, Poe’s pilot backup, who had no choice but to go first, since Hux wasn’t training.

“Fine, you go,” Rey muttered, watching as Ben stepped into the space with his laptop bag. 

No one else had come prepared for a week in a Shoebox, but since the crew had to be one hundred percent healthy, no one needed to bring any overnight medications.

“Aw man. There’s no cell service in here,” Finn complained from the room with the orange paint splash.

Following the others, Rey started closing the door on her partner, which presumably locked itself from the outside. Ben was sitting on the edge of the cot, running his hand through his hair, watching her with a new look of trepidation as the door clicked shut. Rey stood for a moment, replaying his face, feeling almost guilty for making him go first. 

But how bad could it be? It was just a quiet room.

Poe and Rey were whisked away by Leia’s helpers to begin work in their specific disciplines.

After lunch, Rey was learning how to operate world-mapping drones when she heard her button beeping against her chest. Maybe he forgot some work he wanted to take in there with him?

Excusing herself from the drone expert, Rey set down the giant remote control she was holding and started walking the half mile back to The Warehouse, not in any rush to continue her awkward interactions with Ben. 

Her button beeped again as she walked. She found his lack of faith in her annoying. Did he think she wasn’t paying attention to it? 

But she picked up the pace, just in case he might be in real trouble. 

The button beeped again. 

Rey broke into a sprint, badging into the building and flying down the long hallway past technicians and janitors until she got to the room she hoped was right. Crashing inside, she found the blue-marked door with _164 hours_ on the clock and wrenched it open.

Ben was still there, sitting silently on the edge of his cot.

“I thought you were freaking out or something in here,” Rey said, exasperated, waiting just outside the door frame as she caught her breath. 

Ben’s jaw was clenched and, looking down, Rey saw the fob button in his hands, which were shaking almost violently.

“Ben!” Rey said, stepping into the room and throwing her hands over his, momentarily forgetting her anger towards him. 

“Holy shit. What’s wrong? Are you claustrophobic?”

Ben shook his head, watching her hands move over his. 

Rey felt his big hands calming beneath hers. Pulling hers away, his began to shake again, so she quickly replaced them, opting to squat on the floor in front of him.

“What is it, anxiety?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. Started happening after my last mission. It’s—I can’t be alone. It feels like,” Ben laughed, but there was no humor there, “like I’m going to die.”

“Then how are you going to make it past the deprivation challenge?” Rey asked, feeling his hands slip out of hers as he stood up and leaned his back to the wall.

“You’re going to have to take my fob away and just come back in a week,” Ben said, seriously.

Rey noticed he had left the fob lying next to her on the cot.

“Uh, no. I’m not doing that,” Rey objected. 

She couldn’t imagine spending a week running around the campus wondering if Ben was in here having a panic attack.

“Just take the fob, Rey,” Ben said, sounding more like an order than a request, using her real name instead of her nickname.

Grinding her teeth, Rey sat down on his cot. 

He needed her to get through this so he didn’t get to dictate the situation.

“Ben, this mission has the potential to save hundreds of people. I’m not going to risk you having a mental breakdown. We need you. We’re new to this stuff. Poe, Finn, and I need you,” Rey said honestly.

There was a long silence while they both tried to think of a solution to Ben’s predicament. Rey looked down at the fob on the cot.

“These things work both ways, right?” Rey asked, motioning to the button around her neck.

“Yep.”

“Well. What if when you beep me, I come back and sit outside the door? I can beep back to let you know I’m there. If you think you can’t handle it, just keep pressing it and I’ll open the door,” Rey suggested.

Ben blinked at her.

“Worth a try,” Ben said, coming closer. 

He leaned over, picking his fob up and returning it to his neck. 

Rey stood and went out the door, but Ben looked like he wanted to follow her. He stopped, as if there were a forbidden line he wasn’t allowed to cross.

“Thank you,” he said, his face soft now, before reaching forward and closing the door himself, his brown eyes the last thing she saw before it clicked, the timer resetting to _168 hours_.

Rey brought her new company laptop to the Shoebox Room and set up on the floor, sprawling out while she read the specs on the drone programs she’d be using on Erso. 

When her body was sore from the hard floor and her stomach was growling, she packed up and started heading for the mess hall, but as she left The Warehouse, her button went off. 

Badging back in, she half-ran back to the Shoebox Room, hitting her button to let Ben know she was there and could open the door at any time. When it didn’t beep again after twenty minutes, she packed up yet again and started back towards the cafeteria, dreaming of a hot meal, when, right at the same distance as before, the button went off. 

  
  


Rey spun and ran back, hit her button, and waited. She decided to text Rose and see if she could bring her some food, pretending she was using the room as a quiet study area. 

Rose brought enough dinner for them to make a picnic on the floor, eating while Rose cheerfully talked about how she was going to be seeing the guy from the bar again.

_156 hours_.

Rose left to get ready for her date, leaving Rey ‘to study’. After a few more hours, Rey assumed Ben would be falling asleep in the room and once again started to leave The Warehouse, pausing at the spot where the button had gone off twice already, as if Ben could sense when she ventured too far, but nothing happened. 

Finally, she’d be able to get a shower and climb into bed.

Beep beep beep. 

Rey froze in shock, muscle memory spinning her back to the building. She returned yet again and buzzed her reply, sliding down the door of the blue room, somehow feeling like Ben was on the other side, doing the same. 

_153 hours_.

She sat, dumbfounded. 

It couldn’t be a coincidence that every time she left Ben hit the button. 

She eventually nodded off, leaning against the door, fob in hand, oddly comfortable.

For the rest of the week, Rey only managed to slip away to shower once— _76 hours_ —and she didn’t visit her bed at all, instead sleeping every night against the door of Ben’s Shoebox. She lived off of snack food from the vending machine down the hall, evidently not too great a distance to set Ben’s anxiety off.

Whenever Leia’s minions came to usher her to meet with engineers, she’d come up with a new excuse. When Rose came, worried that she hadn’t returned to the barracks, Rey lied, claiming she fell asleep working every night.

Kaydel stopped by once ( _43 hours_ ), evidently surprised Ben was still in his room and looking almost displeased to find he was succeeding. She left quickly, to Rey’s relief. Rey didn’t feel like defending her self-imposed exile in the Shoebox Room when she didn’t particularly want to be there to begin with. 

Nearing the end of the week, Rey found herself returning when she felt Ben’s anxiety, no fob needed, as if she could feel his hand shaking on the button. She’d be in the bathroom or at the vending machine, and she’d know when to make her way back. She could even sense his return to normalcy and boredom.

On the last night ( _11 hours_ ), Rey shot awake in a cold sweat. She had been dreaming of the tight interior of a spaceship, feeling the urge to run, to rage, but all she could do was drift in slow motion, staring out the window at the blackness, the starless void of the black hole, feeling a crushing loneliness that could only be Ben’s. 

She slammed her hand against the door, feeling Ben’s hand hit simultaneously from the inside. 

Whatever this thing was between them was not natural. Or maybe it was the most natural thing there was. They needed to talk about it. 

Laying down, Rey fell asleep again with her hand pressed to the door. 

The next morning ( _4 hours)_ , Finn and the others had completed a full week by 9am. Poe and the other partners came to release them from their Shoeboxes, where they emerged, complaining, yet smiling. They hung around long enough to thoroughly compare their experiences of confinement.

“They want us in shape, but then they put us in there for a week,” Finn said, irritated, sporting a week-old beard. “I had to run in place for cardio.”

Rey commiserated with him, making no mention of her lack of sleep and diet of mini muffins and Baked Lays.

Finn and the others left for the showers, but Rey sat down in the middle of the floor, watching the time go by on the screen, counting down the seconds until she could open Ben’s door, the excitement two-fold. She’d get to sleep in a bed. She’d get to shower. But most importantly, she’d get to talk to Ben about this thing between them.

_3 hours._


	7. The pilot lets the wheel go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The pilot lets the wheel go  
>  These things can fly themselves  
> The less you do, the better  
> When the wind begins to wail  
> Are you? Am I?**
> 
> The Only Heirs by Local Natives
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

When the door finally swung open, Ben fought the urge to grab Rey and pull her inside, close the door, and kiss every inch of her.

They did it.  _ 168 hours. _

Beyond that, he knew she had stayed in The Warehouse the whole week, responding almost instantaneously to his panic attacks every time. 

Rey looked disheveled, with dark circles under her excited eyes. She was wearing grey sweats and mismatched socks — maybe she hadn’t had time to do laundry — but he’d never seen anything more beautiful.

He knew he probably had some significant stubble and needed a shower, but they stood, silently staring at each other, letting the silence speak as confirmation that they were each aware of what had occurred that week. 

This wasn’t a one-way type of deal. He wasn’t just reading her. 

More than ever, he needed to be careful. Snoke would want to know why he was four hours later than the others coming out of the Shoeboxes. He might even have to make up excuses for why Rey missed training all week and convince him all over again that she was still the best candidate. 

Ben walked out the door, hearing her protesting behind him. 

“Where are you going?”

They couldn't have this conversation. It would undoubtedly lead to him losing all resolve to keep her at arm’s length. The sun blinded him temporarily as he left The Warehouse, but he knew the way, waiting for his pupils to adjust.

“I had your dream last night!”

She was practically chasing him now. They passed Walter and Steve, coming out of the showers, his destination.

“I know you feel it too. Stop ignoring me!”

Rey was being too loud. She was going to ruin everything. Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed her by the arm and pushed her into the empty women’s bathroom until her back hit concrete. 

With one hand over her mouth and the other between her legs, he slid her up the wall until she was at his eyeline, his attack half desire and half self control. Two warring sides.

For a moment, he glared her down, from her greenish eyes as they widened, her freckled nose, down to his left hand where he felt her mouth open in surprise, hot air escaping between his fingers.

Her hands steadied herself on his wrist and her fucking thighs clenched around his other hand, but she made no protest. 

He told her with his eyes. Acknowledging. He knew there was something crazy going on: mind reading, sensing each other through walls, shared dreams, this hum when they were close. The way, even now, his body was trying to slide into hers.

Bringing his mouth closer to her ear, he whispered, “Stop following me before someone sees you.” 

To his surprise, despite this being his second physical outburst, Rey still looked expectant, not put off. Like she knew he wanted this to go somewhere _._ But couldn’t. He remembered his fantasy of taking her in the shower and her eyes lit up, as if he transferred the thought.

His lower hand tightened with want, hating the fabric between her and his hand. He released his grip on her mouth and stared at her bottom lip. Wet. Slack. Plump. He wanted to suck on it. Wanted to taste the inside of her mouth again. Wanted to move his thumb over an inch and prod her jaw open, feel that soft lip suck on his fingers. 

His head dipped closer and her neck stretched, trying to meet him. 

He could feel her body readying, through the bond. A burn where his hand was, the weight of her body on her cunt, the pressure driving her down onto his fingers.

He was hard. And he could take her. Here, right now. Take two steps further inside and flatten her against something solid and fuck her 'til they were both raw. 

But then that would be the end of them. Snoke would think her a joke. The other candidates would claim an unfairness.

So Ben set her down, let her get her footing, and removed his hand from her, before backing away silently, turning, and entering the men’s room. 

——————————-

He hadn’t seen her in a week, what with her being in the Shoebox, except for when he let her out, at which point she marched straight past him without a glance, punishing him with silence. 

He had a whole  _ let’s just be friends _ speech prepared, and the look on her face told him she knew what he’d been planning. Something about the Shoebox blotted out external stimuli and made them practically clairvoyant. When he was inside, he even knew when she was hungry. From the outside, it wasn’t so easy, with technology and people to distract from the connection.

He had gone back to his normal routine of work and home, the physical distance almost painful, coupled with the guilt of ignoring her, pushing her, grabbing her, even though she seemed pretty keen to be in his grip, remembering that little smile she gave him.

He was finally getting himself under control. Then, today, she showed up to training in a white string bikini.

Walter was looking at her from behind. She glanced around at all the men and said, “I didn’t know I needed to bring a bathing suit! I had to borrow this!”

“Today we’re going in in the full astronaut suits,” Ben said, pointing to the lockers along the wall. 

The crew struggled with the Kevlar’s weight, until they were in the water and the buoyancy helped. He sat on the edge of the pool talking to them via coms for their first activity, simply walking from one side of the pool floor to the other. The suits held them down, but the helmets were full of air, a nice balance.

“Truth Time,” Poe said to the group through the channel. “I’m not an amazing swimmer, so if something goes wrong, feel free to pull me up.”

Ben knew how frightening it could be at the bottom of The Tank in a suit that weighed you down. There were chains along the side for them to pull themselves back up, plus lines attached to each of them he could use to retrieve them.

“It’s fine, Poe, you don’t need to know how to swim for space, but we are starting a breath holding challenge tomorrow. I want everyone to be able to go for at least two minutes. Just enough time that if there is a suit malfunction we can patch it up,” Ben said, watching them from above as they moved in slow motion across the bottom of The Tank.

“Two minutes?” Rey asked. “What if we can’t hold our breath for that long?” 

Ben had a guilty flashback to his hand over her mouth the previous week. “We’ll get you there.”

\------------------------------------

Ben could see that Rey was struggling. The whiteboard showed everyone’s breath holding times. Over the last two weeks everyone had improved, except Rey. Her times were getting worse. If it wasn’t so uncomfortable, he would have suggested she talk to Kaydel about it. Physically, Rey was in great shape. Mentally, she was growing in frustration every day.

Rey came up first, gasping, a new worst: _54 seconds_.

“I can’t do this!” Rey said, climbing out of The Tank in her goddamn bikini and uncorking the dry erase marker with her teeth to scribble her time under the name Maps. “How come you never do the breath test?”

Ben tossed Rey her towel to cover up. He knew she hated being exposed at the beginning, but now he liked her covered for fear Poe or one of the backups would hit on her. “Because I have the record. I’ve been swimming in this tank since I was eleven.”

“What’s the record?” She asked, wrapping the towel around her hips and tucking in the corner. 

The others were bobbing up and climbing the ladder to write up their times.

“Three minutes and 45 seconds,” he said. “So I’ll just play lifeguard if that’s okay with you.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said. “Finn, Ben says he can go over three minutes.”

Finn finished writing ‘2 min 4 sec’ and handed the marker to Walter. “Let’s see it, then.”

Ben dug his tongue into his cheek, ready to object. His time would demoralize them, more than motivate them. But he saw Rey’s eyebrow raise, doubting him. And he wanted to show off. 

He slid into The Tank and swam to the middle. After a few deep breaths, he inhaled and swam to the bottom of the tank to grab a handle attached to the floor of the pool for that purpose. Closing his eyes, he cleared his head, sitting cross-legged as if meditating, the way his father taught him.

The silence magnified his connection to Rey, sitting on the edge of the pool, her thoughts entertaining him during the monotony of the wait. She was wondering if he felt alone at the bottom of the pool, if it would trigger his anxiety. But he felt fine.

He checked the stopwatch around his neck. _2 min 23 sec._

Rey was worrying about him, watching her stopwatch at the same time. He exhaled some carbon monoxide bubbles to relieve some of the pressure on his lungs. 

_ Ben, you good?  _

_ Whoa.  _ That was an actual sentence. Like a conversation. 

Ben debated not responding. He didn’t want her trying to bring up their connection again. He decided to ignore her question.

Looking up, he saw her blurry figure stand and walk along the edge of The Tank towards the locker rooms. Something was wrong.

_ 3 min. _

Three was good enough. He kicked off the bottom and came to the surface with a quick gasp before making for the ladder.

The crew wrote his time on the board under the name ‘Aquaman’ as he grabbed his towel and headed to the locker rooms. If he hurried he could catch Rey on her way out. 

Skipping the changing process and just grabbing his bundle of clothes, he waited in the hall of The Warehouse for Rey. 

She stepped out in her sweats, surprised to see him there, standing in a puddle.

“You left,” he explained. “We still had half an hour.”

“I can’t do this. Not the breath test. Not this whole thing,” she said, pointing back and forth between the two of them. She hated the wanting and not having. Even worse, she sensed  _ his _ every day and didn’t know why he wasn’t making a move.

Was she thinking about quitting?

“I’ll help you with the breath test,” he offered, following her down the hall.

“I’m suffocating here. Not just The Tank, it’s this whole place. It feels like when I was growing up, when I used to have to climb out my foster parents’ window and sleep on the roof. Did you ever have a place like that?” 

She sounded close to tears, ripping her wet hair into a bun.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Ben said, ready to do anything to keep her from dropping out of the program. “I’ll take you.”

“People might see us together,” she said, sarcastically. 

Ben redirected her in the hall to head down a different route, the one that led towards the jet hangar. “I owe you. For the Shoeboxes.”

\------------------------------------------------------

Rey shrieked with a mixture of fear and delight as he took the X-15 up to Mach 4. He could see the tips of her shoes if he looked to his side. Her seat was small behind him so her feet were spread to either side of his.

_“_ That’s fast enough!" Rey screamed.

Ben spoke into the headset, “Maps. You do not have to shout into this thing.”

“I didn’t say anything,” she laughed. 

He could see her smile in his mind. He had accidentally acknowledged his ability to read her mind again. 

“Are we ever going to talk about this thing?” Rey asked aloud, her voice sounding recorded. He could distinguish the difference between her voice and her thoughts now. Picking up whole sentences of thoughts was going to be confusing.

Ben’s grip tightened on the yoke. He was concentrating now on guarding his thoughts, wishing his helmet protected him somehow.

“Is that why you want to quit?” he asked. Not really an answer.

She sighed. He felt her roll her eyes. “I can’t do The Tank. Maybe my lungs aren’t big enough.”

She had  _ plenty _ of lung power the day she yelled at him.

“I heard that,” she snapped. 

He threw his mental wall back up. The further they were from everyone else, the more they were perceiving. He could feel her indignation. She thought he found her annoying.

_ I don’t think you’re annoying. This thing, the pull, is annoying.  _

He felt her smile. “Okay. But I still can’t do the breath test,” she said.

“You have months, it’s only been a couple weeks,” he reminded her.

_ That’s true. _

They were both swapping back and forth between the headset and their connection. She was dying to talk about it, where it came from, compare their abilities, find out how much he could read, if she was the only one he could read, as well as the word that kept popping into her mind: soulmates _._

“I want you to stay,” he said, before she verbalized her thoughts. It wasn’t romantic, the way he said it. In fact, it was downright formal, but happiness hit him in a wave from her seat behind him. 

Ben smiled, feeling her decision to continue the program. He flipped the jet in a barrel roll, once. His stomach flew up into his ribcage and his weight shifted off the seat for a second.

Rey screamed, like a tourist on a roller coaster taken by surprise.

About to do another barrel roll, Ben spotted a great deal of cloud cover, an oddity in the desert. The formation looked like a giant anvil, the makings of a storm. He decided to head back to the base before they were struck by lightning.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, sensing his change of mood.

“Fucking climate change,” he said. “I didn’t think I needed to check the weather before we left. Nevada is usually Nevada.”

He started the descent, the weightlessness returning, and touched down within ten minutes, but it had already started raining.

Rey shrieked as a crack of lightning shot across the sky while they ran from the jet to the hangar. Under the shelter of the empty building, she wrung out her hair. They watched the storm, pounding down on the tin roof, the sky an ominous purple-black. 

“We might never see this kind of thing again,” she said, missing England. 

In his mind, he saw her teenage legs and Converses running over damp, shredded leaves on a well-worn trail, the journey from her foster parents’ flat to the library. She liked looking through the atlases, imagining being anywhere else. 

He was seeing memories now. 

_ Incredible. _

He watched Rey breathe in the scent of ozone and fresh rain. She took a few steps forward, until she was in the downpour.

It was true, they didn’t know what the weather on Erso would be like and they might not see rain in Nevada again. He stepped forward, feeling the water plaster his hair to his head.

Closing his eyes, he sensed Rey watching him. She took a step closer, thinking about how he wanted her to stay. She wanted him to kiss her.

Ben opened his eyes and met her gaze, watching the water run down her lips. He wasn’t going to kiss her and ruin everything. He took a step away from her, seeing a group of aircraft maintenance technicians passing by. Tilting his head down, he gave her the look to listen in.

_ We can’t. _

She smiled, a light sliding out of her eyes. 

A bolt of lightning erupted close by, as if splitting them in two.

_ I won’t try for you anymore then _ , she thought, turning and walking back across the tarmac. 

Ben guarded his thoughts. 

This was good. She wouldn’t push the matter. She wouldn’t quit the team. 

His hands started shaking and he shoved them in his wet pockets before she sensed it. 


	8. I’m caught in your current

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **It’s powerful  
>  The push and pull  
> I'm caught in your current  
> I can't get you out of my head  
> All of those things that you said  
> You fucked me up in the best way  
> I spent my nights chasing the moon  
> But all of those roads lead to you  
> And now I know I'm not afraid**
> 
> current by ilo ilo
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

_Five months later…_

Rey didn’t need to tiptoe out of the barracks tonight. Rose was spending the night with the guy from the bar. She still refused to show Rey his picture. Rey was starting to put the pieces together based on Rose’s smirks and vague descriptions. With all the secrecy, Rey knew there was a high percentage he worked at First Order X. And after Rose mentioned his red hair, Rey considered the mystery solved. 

Hopefully, the two of them could one day come on the unnamed trip everyone jokingly referred to as The Human Ark—in about five years—if Erso was habitable.

Badging into The Warehouse, Rey flipped on the lights, listening to the sound of her sandals as she entered the locker rooms, the smell of chlorine in the air.

It was cold. They didn’t heat the buildings and the desert was frigid at night. Pushing the swinging door into the room with The Tank, Rey stripped down to her panties and sports bra. Picking a waterproof stopwatch lanyard off the wall hook, she climbed down the ladder and swam into the center of the pool. 

After a few deep breaths—the way Ben had done—she inhaled and swam down to find a handle, hitting the start button on the timer.

She couldn’t escape her thoughts in the silence. It was as if the water pressure was smashing her obsession to the front of her consciousness, no matter how long she had been attempting to quell it. 

_“How old are you? They’re catching up. You. Just take the handlebars. Nothing happened. Thank you. Stop following me before someone sees you. You left. I want you to stay.”_

Her chest burned as her lungs turned oxygen to poison. She released some bubbles, glancing at the timer. _1 min 3 sec._

Rey had been sneaking to The Tank twice a week for two months. She needed to work harder if she wanted to keep her position. If. That was the question. She didn’t relish the thought of being close to Ben forever without him reciprocating. 

She felt faint.

Rey kicked off from the bottom, breached the surface with a gasp, and hit the stopwatch. 

_1 min 23 sec._

“You shouldn’t be in here without a partner,” she heard Ben scold from the men’s locker room doorway.

Startled, Rey relaxed, swimming to the edge and folding her arms over the tiles. “What are you doing here? It’s 3am.”

“I fall asleep in the cockpit simulator sometimes,” he admitted. 

The pilot training room was on the other end of The Warehouse, but she asked anyway. “Did I wake you up?”

He shook his head, “No, I sleep like the dead.” Unbuttoning his shirt and kicking off his shoes, Ben undressed, as if he was going to get in The Tank with her. He’d done space suit exercises with them, but he’d never gotten in with her for the breath tests.

“What, are you going to show me up?” Rey said, watching him unzip his trousers.

“Maybe I can help,” Ben said. “You know, calm your mind. With the thing.” 

It was the first time they had mentioned the pull in months, despite the fact that they were constantly picking up on each other during training, in passing, when she was in the shower rinsing the chlorine off.

But, for whatever reason, Ben hated talking about them, the thing, the future. And he was still with Kaydel. Kaydel would not like Ben swimming with Rey alone. At night. In his boxer briefs.

He pulled his socks off and grabbed a stopwatch, diving in. The water suddenly felt warmer. 

The still water slowly developed a small current, enough that Rey held tight to the wall, feeling it sucking her towards Ben. 

He surfaced, pedaling his arms to stay in one spot. As if to test her theory, he stopped his motions for a second, his eyes widening as he drifted towards her. He resumed paddling gently in the opposite direction.

He cleared his throat. “You ready?”

Rey nodded, and they slipped under, starting the timers and swimming to floor handles four feet apart. They sat cross legged, with the handles between their legs. 

Locking eyes with her, Ben projected a thought. 

_Just think about somewhere you like. Maybe the roof. Or the path to the library._

Rey wasn’t aware he knew about the trail to the library. She tried to think about England, but it was hard with Ben there, when he was finally acknowledging their connection.

_What do you think about?_ she asked.

He didn’t answer, but she saw a flash. His father being helped out of a plane, weak from living in zero gravity, returning from a mission. Ben was a teenager, already over six feet, hugging his dad on First Order X’s tarmac. 

_He’ll be home in a few days,_ Rey projected.

Ben nodded, embarrassed she had seen him when he was younger, before he figured out how to grow his hair long enough to cover his ears.

_I like your ears._

_I know._

He glanced at the surface and she felt the burn in his chest.

Rey checked the timer. 

_Holy shit. 2 min 15 sec._

_Yeah, I wondered when you were going to notice,_ he thought. 

After three minutes, Ben kicked off from the bottom and breached the surface with a gasp and a cough. Rey remained in place, watching the seconds climb on the digital display. 

\--------------------------------------------

The next day, Rey beat Ben’s high score in front of the crew. She could only do it when Ben was in the water with her, talking through the connection, an experience more distracting than her body’s complaints for air. He wasn’t calming her mind, like he originally hoped, so much as taking over all her senses with the barest attention.

They did have to keep some distance so others wouldn’t notice the drift of their bodies towards each other, the physical manifestation of what she’d been feeling for months.

Finn took her out for a drink to celebrate at the local bar. They were almost done training. The ship was complete, stocked, and undergoing final checks. Now that they had almost reached their goal, a feeling of trepidation was setting in. They were leaving their home planet for the possibility of survival. 

“Poe and I come here sometimes, after a long day,” he said, sipping his gin and tonic. 

“I’ve noticed you two are getting close,” Rey said, trying not to remind him that Poe was straight.

“Truth Time,"Finn said fondly, copying Poe’s game. “I might have a little crush on him, but who doesn’t?”

“You should tell him how you feel. People should just say what they’re feeling instead of getting things all complicated!” Rey said, her vodka cranberry making her louder than usual. 

“Are you talking to me or you?” Finn laughed. “Have you told Ben?”

Rey scoffed into her drink. She wasn’t aware Finn had noticed. “I don’t need to say anything. He knows. He’s choosing Kaydel.”

“Does Kaydel know that? Cause she hit on Poe one time we were here,” he said. 

Rey frowned, surprised to hear that despite Ben’s attempts to remain faithful she was still screwing around.

“Let’s head back,” Rey said, grabbing her coat. She wasn’t going to trash talk Kaydel. 

\----------------------------

Rey could sense Ben was asleep in The Warehouse. 

She was still a little tipsy, but she slid into the pilot training room without a noise, seeing him draped on his back in one of the oversized cockpit chairs. He looked peaceful, and if she closed her eyes, she could see snippets of his dream. 

Child Ben sat in the chair, pressing buttons and flipping switches, pretending to be his father. 

This is where he waited until his father returned from a six month mission, his mother working in the office. The crew in training gave him an access badge and let him use The Warehouse as his own personal playground.

He didn’t grow up with kids his age. His friends were pilots and scientists and engineers.

It wasn’t fair. To love someone this much and not be able to be with them.

Rey remembered him saying that he slept like the dead. She curled up in the seat next to him, but even that felt too far. Carefully, she lifted his arm and joined him in his seat, slowly resting her head on his chest. His arm tightened around her, but he didn’t wake. She didn’t realize how cold she was until she felt his warmth. He turned more, wrapping his other arm around her, his hand in the back of her hair. 

_They just fit._

Rey never had a home. Her teenage parents gave her up for adoption. Her foster parents were a series of after school specials: drug users, alcoholics, and verbally abusive dregs of society. But this was what she imagined home would feel like. She wiped at her face to keep her tears from dampening Ben’s shirt. 

“You must be Kaydel,” a gruff voice whispered from the doorway. 

She hadn’t heard the man enter. He looked older, perhaps a technician. Slipping delicately out of Ben’s grasp, Rey crept over to him and held her finger to her lips.

“Oh, no, I’m not. Please don’t tell anyone I was here,” she pleaded, passing him in the doorway. 

She didn’t want to explain to this stranger her complicated situation. He watched her quizzically as she carried her shoes in hand and padded down the hall, heading back to the barracks. 

Outside of The Warehouse, she stopped, noticing campus lights on that normally would have been off. Cars, people, a media crew at the front gate, trying to gain entry. Spotting Leia, she walked over.

“What’s happening?” Rey asked, not worried so much as curious. Everyone seemed rather excited.

“Rey! We landed the current mission tonight in an effort to preempt the paparazzi. Did you meet Han? He just went in alone to find Ben,” Leia said, motioning to The Warehouse. 

_Oh, God._ Ben’s father just saw her curled up on him. 

“I had about an hour with him. Tried to catch him up on the last few years, but it’s tough to squeeze it all in,” she laughed, brimming with happiness to have him back safe. “You should dress nice tomorrow. The press will be wanting to hear about the next mission as well and the board agreed we can give details to the public now.”

\-----------------------------------------

“What was it like, passing through a wormhole?” a reporter from The Guardian asked.

The press conference was held in the atrium of the main building. Han seemed to be a bit of a celebrity, an old rebel who cursed on TV and told it like he saw it. He didn’t glaze over the hardships or wax poetic about First Order X. 

Han chuckled. “It was unexpected. We were at the center of two galaxies simultaneously. There was gravity for a moment, pulling at us in two directions. And on the trip back, a few of us noticed some differences in ourselves. We tried to document them,” Han said, hand talking the way Ben often did.

“What kind of differences?” the reporter pressed.

“Let’s let the crew rest. We have the 2035 crew here to answer questions about the next mission launching in a few weeks,” Snoke interjected from the podium.

Han recognized her as she passed him on her way to the stage, but thankfully he made no mention of seeing her the night before.

Ben gave the reporters a rundown of the mission to Erso, reading a company-approved description. When it came time for questions, the press seemed interested in Rey’s age and the fact that she was the first female to fly for First Order X. 

Snoke inserted himself again, probably afraid the topic was casting the company in a negative light.

“If the mission is a success, we hope to be able to send multiple follow up trips with passengers to a new, safe home,” Snoke said, plastering a smile on his face.

Rey knew passengers would probably be charged a hefty fee, but there would also be spots available for skilled workers from all social classes. Those decisions would fall to the board in a few years and was not something she should be worrying about. 

  
She was oddly at peace, knowing the only person that had to make it onboard was going to be piloting her ship.


	9. They don’t love you like I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pack up  
>  Don't stray  
> I'll say, say, say, I'll say, say, say  
> Wait, they don't love you like I love you  
> Wait, they don't love you like I love you  
> Maps, wait  
> They don’t love you like I love you**
> 
> Oasis2: Maps by Kweku Collins (Yeah Yeah Yeahs cover)
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

“Hey, kid, can I talk to you for a minute?” Han asked, stepping into the kitchen. 

His parents were staying at his place until the 2035 mission left, in an effort to spend as much time with him as possible. Today was his last night with them, with the launch in the morning.

Han grabbed a beer from the fridge, peeking around Ben to make sure Leia and Kaydel were still sitting out on the deck.

“When you came back from the black hole, were you different at all?” Han asked, seriously, banging the bottle cap off using his kitchen counter. Ben had forgotten he used to do that. 

“Yeah, uh, I had terrible anxiety. Panic attacks,” Ben said. He hadn’t told anyone about his problems except for Kaydel and Rey.

“You couldn’t hear anything, or sense anything?” Han asked. He took a sip of his beer, trying to appear casual. 

“Oh,” Ben said, suddenly realizing what he was asking. 

“Yeah. I have that too.”

“Really? I have it with Leia,” he said quickly. “Don’t know if it’s a gift or a curse,” he added, taking a long swig.

“Well, be careful what you think, because it works both ways,” Ben explained, feeling suddenly like the expert on the subject. Even though he was the one who had been exposed to the black hole, Rey could pick up on everything he could.

“Your mother knows what I’m thinking all the time anyway,” Han sighed. “So you’ve got it too, huh? What does Kaydel think about it?” 

Ben swallowed. “It’s not with Kaydel.”

Han laughed. “Is it with that girl on your crew?” 

Ben nodded, a little surprised he figured it out so easily.

“That might be a problem, then,” Han said seriously. “Apparently her parents are at First Order X demanding to see her, but Snoke won’t let them in.”

Choking on his beer, Ben was already running for the door.

“What? Her parents? How do you know this?!” 

“Snoke told me not to talk to them on my way out today,” Han said, following as far as the door. “Said they saw Rey on the news back in England and they want her to stay!”

Ben sprinted to his car, stopping as Kaydel came towards him from the deck.

“You heard about her parents?” she asked, making him even more furious. 

Did everyone know they were here but him?

“Yeah,” Ben said, climbing into the car.

Kaydel came to his open driver window, leaning down. “I knew it was her.” 

She didn’t sound mad, perhaps exhausted at the pretense they had been living with for months, coupled with the disappearance of their sex lives, or his at least. “You can have one more night with me, or you can go to her.”

Ben started the car in answer. 

She rolled her eyes, backing away. 

He didn’t mean to be rude, but he was wasting time. If he didn’t tell Rey how he felt, she might leave. “We can finish this later,” Ben said, meaning the conversation, but they both knew he meant the relationship. He backed out of the driveway, leaving her standing there, arms crossed.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Approaching the gate, Ben saw a couple sitting in their car, watching him cruise right by the security guards. The woman in the passenger seat had Rey’s eyes. 

Snoke’s house was on the base, a short five minute drive from the main campus. Ben trampled his heavily-manicured lawn, right up to the ranch style home, where he pounded on the door. It was late, but a light came on and Snoke appeared at the door.

“Rey’s parents are here? Her real parents,” Ben said, angrily.

“I know, I thought you’d be glad I didn’t let them in,” Snoke said smoothly.

“She has the right to see them. She has the right to make her own decision,” Ben shouted. He had seen too much of her pain growing up to deny her this now, even though he had every intention of making sure she was on that ship tomorrow.

“If she quits, the whole mission is destroyed,” Snoke said. “You won’t go if she doesn’t go. Why do you think I put her in the callback list?” 

Ben blinked. “What?”

“Kaydel told me. When you got back from your mission. Monophobia? I knew we needed a woman onboard this trip. I did you a favor,” Snoke said, motioning for Ben to come inside, but he couldn’t move his feet.

“Why’d you pick Rey?” Ben asked. 

How did Snoke find the one person he couldn’t do without?

“Did you read her file? She was unattached. Completely. She had nothing to lose. I knew she’d be committed. That’s why her parents can’t be allowed to see her,” Snoke said, patting Ben’s shoulder as if they were in agreement. “I’ve got Hux making sure they don’t get inside.”

“Well, now you’ve got me making sure they do,” Ben growled, heading back to his car and driving straight for the gate.

Ben didn’t want to use his combat training on the guards, but they wouldn’t listen to him, following Hux’s orders to keep Rey’s parents out. He was able to drop two of them easily as they were bulked down with their equipment. 

Hux came running out of the main building in time to see Rey’s parents driving through the entrance towards the women’s barracks. Ben grabbed Hux by the shirt collar before he prevented them, ripping his phone out of his hand and taking it with him.

“If you even touch a phone before I get back, you’ll get the same as the guards,” Ben warned him. 

He sat down outside the women’s barracks, making sure no one came to disturb them. 

They emerged after two hours, smiling—which was worrisome. 

He watched as they drove back out the gate with no trouble from the guards. After a steadying breath, he turned and knocked, before entering to find Rey packing her clothes into a rucksack. 

“Oh, fuck. You’re leaving?” Ben asked, pacing in the doorway. 

She turned to face him, surprised to see him there. Or maybe she was hoping to slip away unnoticed.

It was now or never.

“I know I haven’t said anything you wanted to hear since the day we met. But just know that I love you. And so do your parents, but they don’t love you like I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. 

Her eyes widened but she offered him no words of solace.

“I love you. And I did from Day One. But I couldn’t then, because I thought Snoke would only see you for that and not for what you are, which is amazing. It was pointless anyway, because Snoke was the one who put your name on the callback list, despite your age. He knew I needed someone like you on the trip. He didn’t know how much.” Ben continued pacing, trying to sound convincing and not angry.

“And I’m sorry because I know you want to stay here and have that sense of belonging with your parents and you feel guilty for leaving them here. 

But I need you more. I need you with me. Because every time you’re near my hands stop shaking and every time I feel the pull I know you’re close and I think maybe it’s like a supersense from when I went to the black hole. Like I can pick up on other forces and you can feel it too. 

I’ve wanted you from the second I felt it. I should have just let you in on my plan from the beginning. Instead of being so cold. But the only person who taught me how to get what I want was Snoke and he confides in no one.” Ben felt like he was babbling now. 

Rey looked like she couldn’t tell how long he was going to rant, so she sat down on the edge of her bed.

“I don’t want to force your decision. But they had twenty-one years to love you. Where the fuck were they then? Sorry, but, I’m sorry. Maps.” He closed the distance between them, kneeling in front of her and kissing her, more violently than he intended. 

Her enthusiastic response gave him a second of hope before she pulled his hands away from her face. 

He couldn’t read her, even alone and from inches away. He stood, quickly, feeling like his kiss was a dirty trick to sway her decision in his favor.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, stupidly, turning and making for the door. He couldn’t expect her to handle his mood swings, hot and cold, and believe a word he said. 

“At least come see me off tomorrow,” he said, as he left the barracks. 

\----------------------------------------------

“Is she coming?” Snoke asked, accusatorily, glancing over to make sure Walter, her backup, was still in the atrium with the rest of First Order X to watch the launch.

“I don’t know,” Ben said, feeling his hands start to shake. If she was, she was late. 

“I have a feeling she’ll be here,” Han said to his left.

Poe patted Ben on the back. “She’s just saying goodbye to her parents, Solo,” he said, pointing.

Ben looked up, spotting her in the crowd with her packed rucksack over her shoulder as she took turns hugging her parents.

“I let them in this morning,” Hux whispered. 

Ben’s hands calmed as Rey turned and walked towards them to join the crew, her eyes flicking to Ben for a moment.

Han and Leia gave each of them a hug on the ramp to the rocket that housed the ship.

“We’ll be with you soon, kid,” his father said, adding, “You know, I always wondered if we might have fucked up raising you a little bit, not giving you enough of our time, letting Snoke take you under his wing. But yesterday, when you did the right thing, when you let her parents in, I’m not even sure I could have done that. You risked your own happiness for hers. So I know you turned out alright,” he said, pulling him in for another hug. 

Ben’s memories were always looking up to his father, even though he had outgrown him height-wise. There was something upsetting about leaving his parents now, at the end. They felt small. He tightened his grip on his father and his mother wrapped her arms around them both, crying silently. 

Snoke was right. If Rey hadn’t come, he would never have left.


	10. Bring life to the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Crash land on the moon  
>  Make love on the moon  
> Bring life to the moon, yeah  
> Bring life to the moon  
> Bring life to the night  
> Come alive in the night**
> 
> Moon Love by Boombox Cartel, Nessly
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

“One!” they all cried. 

She heard the gas of Poe and Finn’s pods as her hand hit the open button.

Ben’s pod shot open too, and they launched themselves out.

Ben grabbed her knees and pulled her legs—hard—to either side of him, their bodies colliding forcefully. 

“I didn’t know if you were going to come,” he said, his hands gripping her naked back under her shirt. He had to remove a hand to hold onto the ceiling, before one of them hit their heads. 

“Leia said she’d make sure my parents were on the next trip,” Rey said, quickly, finding his warm mouth and locking her ankles together behind him. 

“How the fuck are you a virgin?” Ben groaned, using both hands to rip her panties on the left, then the right, and pulling them up from between them. 

Eyes wide, Rey watched them float away. 

“It’s pretty easy, you just major in cartography,” Rey laughed, as Ben grabbed the straps from her sleep pod behind her and yanked until he had her pinned against the vertical seat. 

Rey wasn’t sure how he was planning on doing this, it was nearly impossible to move in zero gravity, much less having sex. It was like swimming, weightless, except they couldn’t navigate by paddling their arms and legs, they had to push and pull off the walls. 

In answer to her question, Ben buckled her in, one strap over her ribs, before tearing her top over her head.

“You knew what you were doing when you wore that fucking shirt,” Ben whispered, as if afraid Poe and Finn would wake up. He began breathing his way down her collar bone.

“Oh, no, that was a mistake,” Rey clarified, remembering how her crop top kept nearly flashing everyone. His mouth lingered on her nipple, sweeping it with his tongue.

“Yeah, it was,” he said, threateningly. 

God, his bulge was huge in his boxer briefs and he pressed it into her, hunching over her in the small space. The pull was keeping him close, she realized, as she felt his frame fuse to hers like a magnet. 

_ They were really doing this. _

First Order X had given her a birth control implant in her arm that would last for five years, so she wasn’t worried about that. But she was hesitant, wanting to ask how recently he had been with Kaydel. She wasn’t exactly faithful when it came to sex. They must have broken up yesterday, or this morning.

“I haven’t slept with her since before bootcamp,” Ben said, reading her thoughts. 

_ Really? _ she thought.

“Could you have slept with someone else after you met me?” he asked, by way of evidence.

“No,” she laughed, appeased.

He licked his fingers and reached between her legs. 

Her thighs constricted around his arm as a long finger penetrated her and a groan came from him—rather than her—as he sensed her stretch in pleasure and pain. 

Trying to lower herself onto his middle finger, the strap dug into her breasts, but Ben drove his ring finger in, untouched muscles squeezing his fingers as he pushed past the knuckles, the push actually lifting her back higher against the seat. 

He tried to separate his fingers inside her and she elicited a little whine. Every noise seemed lewder in the quiet of space. 

She could feel his dick aching, through the bond, just from touching her; slick and tight against his fingers as he curved them inside her, rubbing her tender wall hard. He knew she wasn’t as delicate as she looked. 

Her body fought the strap, straining to arch, her head dropping back into a cloud of her own hair.  She ran a hand down his chest, down over his briefs—an attempt at bravery. It wasn’t fair that she was naked and restrained and he was still wearing underwear. She found a button at the front and used both hands to pull him out. 

He was so hard, so big. So impossibly big—thicker than her forearm—fat with warm blood and he thrust into her hand without meaning to,  the head of his cock bumping into her and he swiped a hand through his hair to watch her hands. 

He wanted to be inside her. So bad he was growing harder with anticipation, so hard it was hurting him.

She didn’t know if she was ready, but she couldn’t stand the feel of his need. 

She guided him, raising herself to meet his groin and letting him do the rest, sinking into her slowly, just enough to gain an inch.

“Fucking finally,” he sighed into her neck.

He whipped his hips, once, filling her suddenly and she nearly screamed, but before she could, the intensity was over.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hearing her breath hitch in her throat, biting his lip at his own artless entrance.

But it was his eagerness that was turning her on, making her body respond, hot and swollen, her nerves greedy. She spread her legs wider, a silent invitation for him to do his worst. She wasn’t one to shirk away from a challenge.

His big hands pushed down on her hips so he wouldn’t slip out of her, but he didn’t continue.

“I’m fine,” she said, assuming he was still worried about her. She felt raw—not painful—but it didn’t feel good yet either. She could feel his pleasure and it was drowning out her discomfort.

“Well, I’m not. Your pussy’s like a vise. I’m fucking two seconds from coming,” he complained, his voice rumbling against her throat.

Rey felt her cheeks flush with heat. No one had ever talked to her like that. This was the real Ben, the dirty, honest thoughts she picked up all the time in training, turned into actual words now in his deep—yet somehow gentle—voice. His duality.

His face was still pained so Rey let go of his arms, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him in to kiss her, distracting him from his dick. It worked as his attention turned to their tongues—a different kind of sex—one that was making her more comfortable down there. 

She loved the way his tension faded too, his arm muscles relaxing, his hips slowly curling into her, until they had a rhythm. She liked everything but the angle. 

He read it quickly, unbuckling her and spinning her around. 

Rey grabbed the straps and wrapped them around her wrists as he entered her from behind, bracing himself by slamming one hand into the ceiling. 

_ Damn. He felt even bigger from this position.  _

Ben snorted as he heard her thoughts.

His cock punched a sweet place somewhere between her groin and navel. That wonderful spot he had found with his fingers. 

Tensing made everything feel better. She didn’t need to cry out for him to know she was close, but she did anyway, clinging to the straps, trying to do her part to keep them in place. 

He groaned again, snapping his hips faster, sweat beading on his temple, but not falling. 

The straps were cutting off circulation to her fists as he pulled and pushed on her, but she tried not to think about it, for fear he’d stop. The slippery friction had her straining and twisting to stay in position, to get more, to stay upright, wishing she had a bed and some goddamn gravity. Her arm muscles frayed as she pitched again, and she knew Ben was sensing her struggle.

“No, keep going, I’m okay,” she whined, her breath coming shallower with each well-placed thrust. Closing her eyes, she could see from his perspective for a moment, his dick disappearing into her again and again, thick, reddening, and shiny with her arousal. 

Rey felt a shuddering pinch, rich and deep down, then finally, a release. She screamed lewdly and jerked, almost flipping over, but Ben twisted her back, his hands engulfing her hips as he pumped harder, chasing his own gratification. 

Rey’s breathing returned to normal by the time she felt a fresh warmth inside her, Ben thrusting into his own come, grunting. 

He didn’t stop, still hard, his nerves building again as their come mixed and ribboned between her thighs. A second wave rolled in, like a tide inside her, pulling on him. 

Rey tapped into the transference and rode it with him, both holding their breath, as they tried to wrest another jolt of pleasure from their spent bodies. Her walls constricted, draining him in three thrusts of come and energy and oxygen, their cries overlapping.

She closed her legs tight as he pulled out, gasping for air. The straps slackened and blood flow returned painfully to her hands.

Ben laughed a labored breath. “I’ve never done that before,” he said, meaning the double orgasm. 

Rey smiled to herself, knowing their connection was responsible.

He disentangled her pink wrists from the straps and pulled a towel out of a drawer for her to clean up their mess between her legs.

They floated for a minute, creating their own orbit, spiraling back to reality.

_I’m sore everywhere,_ she thought with pride. _I can die happy now,_ she joked.

“No one is going to die. Ow!” Ben cringed as he banged his head on her sleep pod’s glass door. 

They were spinning slowly now. 

He rubbed the back of his head, pulling her tight with his other arm to keep her away from the ceiling. 

“That was harder than I thought it would be,” he admitted, working them over to the wall before they got dizzy. 

She felt a kiss on her shoulder as he started tasting his way up her neck, the tingly feeling returning between her legs.

He paused, hearing Hux’s voice in their earpieces, “Are you two done?”

They blinked at each other, both running through the mortifying past half hour of moaning, cussing, and screaming.

Rey ripped out his earpiece, then hers, turning them off, glad they hadn’t installed cameras for this voyage, the distance being too far for a relay.

“He can buzz off, Solo, cause we’re not getting into potentially dangerous sleep pods until you make up for seven months of mind fuckery.”

Ben grinned, stretched out from ceiling to floor, nothing but pure muscle. As if they’d been training for this. 

“How about once for every month?”


	11. It's killing me, it's killing you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Oh, it's killing me, it's killing you too  
>  Suffering people surround us, it's true  
> Yet we stay  
> It's always been forever with you  
> It's always been forever with you**
> 
> Always Forever by Aquilo 
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2aUe9TzEW32CiOBTDRwpkF?si=5HF5xt_eTImpIDnvp7AA9Q)

Ben’s eyes were open for a while before his mind registered that he was awake. Slowly, the fog lifted from his brain and he rubbed his face, remembering he was in a sleep pod and if he was conscious, that meant they should be nearing Erso.

He peered through the glass but couldn’t see Rey, still in a fine mist inside her pod. The pilots were to wake up first, to take the ship down to the surface, before waking up their crewmates. This way, Rey and Finn wouldn’t have to endure the jarring descent into the atmosphere while recovering from the gas, a nightmarish event if they suffered from any ‘emergence delirium’ following the anesthesia.

Hitting the door open button, he unbuckled his straps and pulled himself out, stretching to jumpstart his body. He felt a little light-headed and very nauseated. 

Poe waved at him from inside his pod, his brow furrowed from grogginess. Ben opened Poe’s door and helped extricate him, grinning as Poe pulled him in for a hug.

“We’re alive!” he said, shaking him by the shoulders.

“Alright, alright,” Ben laughed, the relief contagious.

Poe floated forward and planted a kiss on Finn’s sleep pod and shouted, “We made it, Finn!” 

Ben gave him a gentle push towards the dressing area, eager to land so he could wake up Rey. Skimming the walls, they slid open their drawers and fed their arms and legs into their flight suits, before making for the cockpit.

“Whoa,” Poe said, spotting the golf ball-sized greenish moon hovering next to Praetoria, a massive planet seemingly made entirely of water.

Ben and Poe ate a bland snack and drank plenty of fluids in between bites, slowly nursing their digestive system back into action, before settling into the pilot seats. 

Only one pilot was truly needed—the most necessary position on the ship—and the only one with a duplicate in case the Hypersleep gas took a pilot as victim. 

Poe monitored the data while Ben removed autopilot and glided the ship silently closer.

Ben noticed that Poe kept looking over his shoulder.

“I think the gas is making me hallucinate,” he said, rubbing his temples.

Ben checked his pupils for dilation. “What are you experiencing?”

“It’s like I’m dreaming while awake, but I’m Finn,” he said, worried, assuming he was having lasting side effects.

Ben clucked his tongue, trying to decide if he should tell Poe his theory.

“What?” Poe asked, seeing his smirk.

“I think it’s from the gravity of the wormhole,” Ben said, keeping his eyes on Erso as it steadily grew before them.

“You think it messed up my brain while I was asleep?” Poe swallowed.

“No. I think it gave you something, like another sense. I have it too, and so does my dad,” Ben explained.

Poe seemed to relax, leaning back in his seat and scratching his head. 

If he was picking up Finn’s dreams then Finn was alive and well. 

Together they navigated the turbulent atmosphere, touched down softly, and sat gaping at the foreign landscape. 

“Looks like twenty-two percent oxygen. And other gasses similar to Earth,” Ben said, looking at the readings on the computer, the same information his probe returned three and a half years ago. “We’ll still go out in our suits, just to be safe at first.”

“And there’s vegetation,” Poe added, leaning on the console to see the ground better.

Ben couldn’t wait to show Rey. The sun was beginning to rise.

Poe seemed to be thinking something similar as they both stood to wake their crewmates. 

“Slowly!” Ben reminded Poe, as he partly collapsed, his knees buckling from the gravity.

Poe straightened up and walked more composedly back to the Hypersleep chamber, where they activated the pods’ wake up system and waited as the gas was sucked back into a tube. Poe opened Finn’s door, talking to him quietly as if waking him up from a nap. 

Ben froze. As the gas cleared, he knew something was wrong. Rey’s eyes were open, unseeing, and he felt nothing. That annoying pull was gone. He reached out for it and there was nothing but emptiness. Nothing. 

“Help me get her out!” he shouted to Poe. 

Poe stumbled over, eyes wide as Ben opened her door and unbuckled her limp form. 

“Oh, no, Rey.”

“What’s happening?” Finn mumbled from his pod, still trying to wake up.

Ben laid her out on the floor, looking at Poe and Finn for the help he knew neither could offer. 

She felt cold. He pulled her into his lap, then into a hug, thinking to warm her body with his.

“Ben, I’m sorry,” Poe said, watching Ben’s eyes water silently over her shoulder. 

Ben could tell Poe knew now.

“Rey!” Finn shouted from his pod, unbuckling and falling to the floor, crawling over to them. He rubbed her back. “She’s okay. She’s okay. She’s strong.”

Poe joined them in the floor, pulling them all into a circle of grief as it hit them simultaneously that Rey was long gone. 

Ben leaned her back to look at her again, her hazel eyes and her freckles, her stupid crop top and the leggings she’d changed into before they climbed into the pods, when she had kissed him and said, “See you on the other side.”

“This isn’t possible,” Ben said, his hands shaking violently under her. He laid her flat and began doing chest compressions.

“Solo, she’s gone,” Poe said, but Finn gave him a nudge. 

“Let him try.”

After a few minutes, Poe and Finn exchanged nervous glances as Ben stopped and turned, punching at the glass Hypersleep door. His hands were shaking too hard to do compressions anyway. 

If Rey were alive, his hands wouldn’t shake.

It took both Poe and Finn wrestling his arms down to stop him from ruining his fists on the glass. He heard a long, strange sound, before realizing it was coming from him, kneeling open-mouthed on the floor, rocking over her. 

He recommended her. He made sure she came. She was just a kid.

Poe tried dragging him away. “Let go, let go. Breathe, Ben!”

Ben fought them off and slid back over to her, wrenching her into his lap again. He couldn’t imagine living, having to work, having to think about anything other than this feeling that was shredding him from the inside. A combination of guilt and loss and betrayal, knowing how hard they worked and how things were perfect just a few minutes ago, when she was dead but he didn’t know and all he saw was their future.

Ben didn’t know how long he had sat there holding her, attempting CPR two more times, but the blood on his knuckles was dry when an idea struck him. 

Flattening his hand out over her abdomen, he closed his eyes and breathed evenly, remembering the time his hand was on one side of the Shoebox door and he could feel Rey’s hand on the other.

Hope had leaked out of him like a sieve. Gone. Like his voice, hoarse and ragged. 

But he searched for a spark, that little flicker that was Rey, anything in the darkness. Finding nothing and fanning at dead coals. 

He pressed on, despair chasing his efforts as he prised into her soul and gave everything he had, as if they were at the bottom of The Tank, sharing oxygen, giving his breath, leaving nothing for himself to get back to the surface. 

His hand felt so heavy. 

He was weakening. 

Maybe he would mercifully die too and join her.

No, maybe the heaviness was the pull. He almost sobbed, happy to feel that annoying drag between his palm and her ribs, hoping he hadn’t lost his mind. 

Please. 

_ Please _ .

_ Ben _ , he heard, opening his eyes and feeling her hand brush over his stinging knuckles.

She smiled at him. 

As if nothing had happened. 

As if he had just said her name and she looked his way.

Finn and Poe sat unmoving, in shock, or terror at finding her moving, alive.

Her arm rose and she wiped at his streaked cheek, where it would still be wet if he had had the capacity for any more tears. 

Rey was expecting him to be as excited as she was, thinking that she had simply woken up just now from Hypersleep, as planned. 

His horror couldn’t evaporate fast enough to play along for her sake, but she looked around and saw that they were all well, and kept on smiling, leaning forward to kiss his expression away.

He pulled her close, disbelieving even the touch of her warm mouth on his and her hands on his face. How had he done it? He had been dead inside for what felt like an hour. He felt scarred, her kiss healing him, and he couldn’t hold her tight enough. 

Looking over her shoulder, he guarded his thoughts as he frowned at Poe and Finn, a threat that they should never tell her what transpired. She was all warmth and she had never been cold.

They nodded, somehow understanding.

Rey leaned back to look at him again, her smile growing the longer she looked at him, questioningly.

_ Well, did we make it? _

He smiled too, finally convinced she wasn’t going anywhere. 

_ We did.  _

[ ](https://ibb.co/f9sn9n5)


End file.
